A bit of humour

[The Rok]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy! He walked through the open door of the Pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

 

[markis10]

Those corruption inquiries can have a sense of humor going by this tweet from the ABC:

Gerard Obeid was just asked if the tooth fairy paid for his $2.5 million dollar home.

 

[drron]

Those corruption inquiries can have a sense of humor going by this tweet from the ABC:

Gerard Obeid was just asked if the tooth fairy paid for his $2.5 million dollar home.

As good as the answer Michael Clarke gave in an interview after the Allan Border medal awards.Asked what he hoped the team might do in 2013 his answer was-"we aim to be the best cricket team in Australia"

 

[codash1099]

Those corruption inquiries can have a sense of humor going by this tweet from the ABC:

Gerard Obeid was just asked if the tooth fairy paid for his $2.5 million dollar home.

Well, was it?

 

[markis10]

Well, was it?

I am checking with Santa, who is on holidays so a response might be slow.

 

[Foreigner]

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows.... he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean".

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious".

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands".

 

[Foreigner]

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.

The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the Nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the Nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother....." the Nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

Mother Superior raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "DON'T SELL THAT COW."

 

[QF WP]

USA Unemployment explained

So how can over 873,000 people come off the unemployment line when there were only a little over 114,000 jobs created?

Luckily I found a transcript of a conversation between two eminent economists discussing this very question!

Here we go, the recent unemployment report explained:



COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.

ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?

ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, Obama said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how the current administration gets it to 7.8%.

Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt. doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.

COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for reelection.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have administration supporters stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like the Economy Czar.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Obama.

 

[Major]

A couple were having dinner one evening when the husband
reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something
I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been
unfaithful to me?"

Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you.
Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years,
but always for a good reason."

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said,
"I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married,
and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't
pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to
see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan
would be extended?"

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive
you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Beth asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick,
but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?
Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall,
he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life,
so of course I can forgive you for that.
Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for
president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

 

[Foreigner]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

 

[Foreigner]

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink.

"You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.

"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"

 

[Foreigner]

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

Bush replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

 

[Foreigner]

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, "How do you determine if a patient is cured."

The psychologist explains:

"We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub."

"I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster."

"Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug."

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot]There was a group of college professors who liked to go around discounting established theories. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"The earth is flat!" said one. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Elvis is not dead!" said another. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Pi is greater than four!" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"War would not exist if we would just eat right!" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When the president of their university was asked why he kept renewing their tenure, he replied, "They may cost a lot, but I just love academia nuts." [/FONT]

 

[codash1099]

Pipe Specifications of the Government

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic
centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes
of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside
diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam
or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily
applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted
pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save
a lot of time on the job site.

6. All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe"
clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must have the words "long pipe"
painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire
length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe"
painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite
separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to
specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong
way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or
downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will
flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do
not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one
pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

 

[codash1099]

WORDS WOMEN USE



FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks.
This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing"
and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

 

[TheEmu]

At the pool the other day, busting to "go" - so snuck down to the deep end for a sneaky pee but the bloody lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in!

 

[Major]

[TABLE="align: center"]
[TR]
[TD]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[straitman]

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her brea$ts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

 

[Major]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma ,

Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says,

"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other

and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.



The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the

room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it

be, gentlemen?"



There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a

Martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced

Martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10

cents each, please."



The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at

each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the

40 cents, finish their Martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent Martinis are produced, with the

bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay

the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.

They've each had two Martinis and haven't even spent a

dollar yet.



Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve

Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"



"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says,

"and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the

Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this

place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's

all the same."



"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.



As the four of them sip at their Martinis, they can't help

noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't

have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered

anything the whole time they've been there.



Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men

asks the bartender, "What's with them?"


The bartender says, "They're retired people from New Zealand


They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."