A bit of humour

[Deleted member]

There appears to be a few versions of this one doing the rounds.

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foo on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.*
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark - "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the - 'Good luck, Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old questions about Mr. Gorsky to Armsgtrong.

This time he finally responded because Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.

Here is the answer to "Who was Mr. Gorsky":

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyeard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yeard by their bedroom window.

His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shout at Mr. Gorsky, "SEX! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

It broke the place up.

Neil Armstrong's family confirmed this is a true story.

No they didn't

 

[Ikara]

Mostly for the young at heart!

Japanese couple in an argument over ways to have sex....

Husband: Sukitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!!
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!





And you sit and read this interestingly as if you understand Japanese !




You are unbelievable.





I always knew you will read anything on SEX.. Keep it up....its very healthy....

 

[codash1099]

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and
efficient manner within the structures of the following agreement: Whereas
the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of
the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and
otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living
area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination
being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not
required by the aforementioned agreement be- tween the parties. The
aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the
following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or
without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said
grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be
undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible
caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural
integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the
afore- mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to
perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing
notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the
aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as
this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional
codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part
(Lawyer) throughout. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option
of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner
consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once
separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the
fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner
consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in
a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party
of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his
heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the
objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity
of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of
ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The
Firm".

 

[JohnK]

Neil Armstrong's family confirmed this is a true story.

No they didn't

I read about this on the internet. And I believe everything I read on the internet. Why would people lie on the internet?

 

[Deleted member]

I read about this on the internet. And I believe everything I read on the internet. Why would people lie on the internet?

I'm just argumentative for the sake of it

 

[Foreigner]

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

"Get me a cough*ING cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are cough*ING talking to, you cough*ING idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.

"Thank coughK for that!" replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.

 

[Foreigner]

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid.

The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

 

[Foreigner]

During a Coffee Break, two men were talking, "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden." said the first man.

"So were you able to find some?" the second man, asked.

"Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'"

The gardener said, "No, you'll have to do that yourself."

 

[Foreigner]

Charlie was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife Rita dies. At the cemetery, Joe's friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads:

"Here lies Rita, wife of Charlie, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd."

Charlie was standing in front of Rita's grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears.

His brother says to him, "I'm not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It's right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rita's headstone."

Through his tears, Joe sobs, "You don't understand. They left out the phone number."

 

[Foreigner]

Two privates were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying.

"This here's a big mule!"

"This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey."

"Mule!"

"Donkey!"

Well, this went on for a while until the camp priest came by. "What are you boys doing?"

"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."

"Donkey, dammit!"

The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an cough."

An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"

"No sir. We're digging an asshole."

 

[Foreigner]

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him.

"Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."

 

[Foreigner]

How to start your day with a positive outlook

Open a new file in your PC.

Name it as "Boss".

Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"

Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

Feel better? Have A Nice Day.

 

[Foreigner]

The story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. So, the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady. Upon reading his letter, and with great shock, the lady quickly decided not to got to that campground. The letter is as follows...

"Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

"It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks (remember, this is a friendly community)."

 

[Deleted member]

 

[QF WP]

For those of you scratching your head at the last post, read this

 

[straitman]

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie Rules, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood.

He's signed to a one year contract and the kid joined the team for the pre-season.

Two weeks later the magpies are down six goals to Carlton, with 10 minutes to play.

The coach gives the Iraqi the nod and he goes on.

The kid is a sensation - kicks seven goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Magpies.

The fans are thrilled, the coaches and players delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.

When the players come off, he phones his Mum.

"Hello mum, guess what"? he says. "I played 10 minutes, kicked 7 goals and we won". Everyone loves me.

Wonderful says his mum. "Let me tell you about my day".

"Your father was shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and your brother joined a gang of looters, and all
while you were having a great game."

The young fellow is upset,"What can I say mum , I am sorry."


"Sorry? You're sorry? says his mum. "It's your bloody fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!"

 

[Foreigner]

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister.

As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein."

Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"

As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.

The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did.

The minister asked, "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"

The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."

 

[Foreigner]

During work, John and William were chatting:

John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

William: oh!

John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

William: No

John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?

William: No

John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?

William: No

John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, William got irritated and said: "And you, do you know who is George Hunt?"

John: No

William: He's the guy enjoying with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this...

 

[Foreigner]

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at a large gathering, and his blonde hostess broached a subject of which the doctor was most at ease.

"Doctor, would you mind telling me," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in someone who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question, one which anyone should be able to answer without any problem. If he or she hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?" asked the hostess.

"Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'" the doctor replied.

The blonde thought for a moment, then said, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I've never known very much about history!"

 

[Foreigner]

Robert was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player, who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Robert's wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"