A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first act intermission, he had to urinate in the worst way.
He hurried to the back of the theatre and searched in vain for the men's room.
At last he came upon a fountain surrounded by pretty foliage. He realized that he had wandered backstage. Noting that no one was around, and in desperatation, he opened his pants and pissed into the fountain.
He had difficulty finding his way back to the auditorium, and by the time he sat down next to his wife, the curtain was up and the actors were moving about on the stage.
"Did I miss much of he second act?" he whispered.
"Miss it?" she said, "You were in it."

 

[Foreigner]

One day these two fine ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea.
One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and says, "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?"
To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
The first woman then says, "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises."
The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
"Well sweetheart, doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?"
"Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school."
"Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks.
To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a f*ck, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."

 

[Foreigner]

A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom.
No facilities nearby, she found a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.
Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards, out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg.
The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. The doctor walked into her room.
Laughing hysterically, he said, "You're not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!"
As he began to compose himself, he asked, "So, how did you break YOUR leg??"

 

[Flashback]

[FONT=&quot]A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.
*****************
So they have found a Horse burger in Tesco. What's next, My Lidl pony?
*****************
Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
*****************
Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had a £5 each way !
*****************
Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's always wanted!
*****************
Had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night.... I still have a bit between my teeth
*****************
Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV means 'Horse Meat Voucher'
*****************
Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of uniquorn
*****************
Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
*****************
"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"
*****************
I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....." I guess Tesco just listened.
*****************
Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
*****************
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'
*****************
I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.
*****************
These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead.. NO! NO NO NO!
*****************
Said to the Mrs these tesco burgers given me terrible trots
*****************
To beef or not to beef, That is equestrian
*****************
Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is a anagram of .SHERGARS BUM..
*****************
Tesco's have released a new liquor to compliment their range of burgers, They're calling it 'Red Rum'.[/FONT]

 

[TheEmu]

TheEmu can humbly report that he has achieved Expert Status in the use of the majority of these implements:

WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'
SKIL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

​

​

 

[Foreigner]

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume.
She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume.
She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

 

[Foreigner]

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Hongkong. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.
The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

 

[Foreigner]

An army Major visiting the sick army men, went to one soldier and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," said the Major.

He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"

 

[Foreigner]

A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Iraq for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicl_s."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

 

[Hvr]

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorious home that completely exonerates him of his girlfriends murder.








Footprints.

 

[Hvr]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....

Back and forth...back and forth...in and out....in and out.


She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.


Her heart was pounding...
Her face was flushed...
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:





"OK, OK, You park the damned car.

 

[Hvr]

The Vatican are organising a leaving collection for the outgoing Pope.




Donations can be made via Papal.

 

[Hvr]

The woman asked the male pharmacist,

"Do you have cough?"

"Yes," He answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," He answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"I can, if I take two," He replied.

 

[Hvr]

And F lounge and religious joke in one

[h=2]What do You Call a Pope...[/h]

...who resigns at breakfast time?





Ex Benedict
​

 

[Hvr]

[h=2]Three Little Pigs[/h]

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a diet Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'


But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'



You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -



'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
​

 

[Hvr]

[FONT=&amp]A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.
*****************
So they have found a Horse burger in Tesco. What's next, My Lidl pony?
*****************
Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
*****************
Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had a £5 each way !
*****************
Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's always wanted!
*****************
Had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night.... I still have a bit between my teeth
*****************
Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV means 'Horse Meat Voucher'
*****************
Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of uniquorn
*****************
Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
*****************
"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"
*****************
I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....." I guess Tesco just listened.
*****************
Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
*****************
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'
*****************
I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.
*****************
These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead.. NO! NO NO NO!
*****************
Said to the Mrs these tesco burgers given me terrible trots
*****************
To beef or not to beef, That is equestrian
*****************
Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is a anagram of .SHERGARS BUM..
*****************
Tesco's have released a new liquor to compliment their range of burgers, They're calling it 'Red Rum'.[/FONT]

Actually horse burgers aren't too bad unless you get a bit between your teeth.

And if you get sick the worst case scenario is that you'll get the trots. Although when the disease inevitably hits - 'Crazy Horses' sounds way cooler than 'Mad Cow'.

Anyway why complain, it is a stable part of the French diet, but only for the main meal.

 

[TheEmu]

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorious home that completely exonerates him of his girlfriends murder.
Footprints.

Seems Oscar and the police just got off on the wrong foot.

 

[Hvr]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
"Um, I think you'll find it's pronounced 'quiche'."

 

[Hvr]

We had a new guy join our team the other day, he is a Midget, his name is Arthur, Arthur Mann.

I asked the boss why he didn't tell us we were downsizing.

The boss said he was a good guy and he had known him since he was knee high to a grass hopper, did you just meet him in the car park then I asked?

I asked Arthur why he left his last job, he told me he was constantly overlooked for promotion and his boss always talked down to him.

I asked him to come up with some advertising slogans but he was short of ideas.

He came into work wet through the other day, I asked what had happened, he said he was eating museli and a strong currant pulled him in.

 

[anat0l]

cough. My girlfriend reckons it's like a ride at Disneyland. You wait an hour for a twelve second ride.