A bit of humour

Hvr said:
Actually horse burgers aren't too bad unless you get a bit between your teeth.

And if you get sick the worst case scenario is that you'll get the trots. Although when the disease inevitably hits - 'Crazy Horses' sounds way cooler than 'Mad Cow'.

Anyway why complain, it is a stable part of the French diet, but only for the main meal.
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I went to a Tesco café yesterday and ordered a burger. They asked me if I wanted anything on it, and I said: ‘Yes — a fiver each way.’

Does anyone have a tooth pick? I had a Tesco burger last night and there’s still a bit between my teeth.

My daughter has always wanted a pony, so I’m buying her a Tesco Quarter Pounder for her birthday.
I’ve got some Tesco burgers in the fridge. But . . . THEY’RE OFFFFFFFFF!

My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Grand National.

If you think horse meat’s bad, wait until you try Tesco’s veggie burgers. They’re made of genuine uniQuorn.

Scientist: ‘Sir, we’ve discovered horse meat in your burgers.’
Tesco boss: ‘Why the long face?’

I won’t eat Tesco burgers. They may be low in fat, but they have a very high Shergar content.

Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today. The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses.

What do you call a burnt Tesco burger? Black Beauty.
A motorist gets pulled over by a police officer, who asks him to blow into a breathalyser. The machine beeps.
‘I’m sorry Sir,’ says the officer. ‘You’re over the limit. Can you tell me what you have had tonight?’
‘Nothing Officer,’ replies the man. ‘Just a burger from Tesco.’
‘That explains it,’ says the policeman. ‘I knew I could smell Red Rum.’

They’ve found horse meat in Tesco burgers? It’s an unbridled disaster.

A Tesco burger walks into a bar. ‘A pint please.’
‘I can’t hear you,’ says the barman.
‘Sorry’ replies the burger. ‘I’m a little bit horse.’

I selected some burgers on the Tesco website. And then clicked ‘Add to cart.’

Those Tesco horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.

A woman has been taken to hospital after eating Tesco burgers. Her condition is said to be stable.

I used to work on the Tesco meat counter, but it was like flogging a dead horse.

Last night I ate a Tesco burger, an Iceland burger and an Aldi burger to find out which had the best taste.
Tesco won by a short head.

I think someone may be sending me death threats. I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger in my bed.

Have you heard? Now traces of zebra have been found in Tesco barcodes.

I bought an ‘award-winning’ Tesco burger. I didn’t realise they meant it had won the Cheltenham Gold Cup.

I used to work for Tesco, but I was fired. I got an email about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.

Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What are the odds on that?

I tried to take some burgers back to Tesco but they said they wouldn’t accept them. Looks like I’m saddled with them.

Husband: ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.’
Wife: ‘Why don’t you go to Tesco?’

Personally, I think people who don’t like eating horse meat are being a bit blinkered.

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?

I won’t be switching to Tesco Finest burgers. They’re so expensive that buying enough for a big family dinner won’t leave you much change from a pony.

I was going to give up fast food for January, but I fell at the final hurdle and had a Tesco burger.

Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb’s and some burgers. So that’s white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.

Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV means ‘Horse Meat Voucher’.

Despite the recent scandal, Tesco insist they use only meat of the highest quality. A spokesman said: ‘Our meat has to clear several hurdles before it goes on sale.’

And the most groan-inducing . . .
What’s in this burger? It just jumped over my chips.

I don’t know why there’s a fuss all of a sudden. There’s been horse meat in Tesco burgers for donkey’s years.

I like my burgers with a side saddle and neighonnaise.

I hope Tesco were selling those burgers at hoof price.

So there’s horse meat in Tesco’s burgers. Don’t worry, it’s not the mane ingredient.

Forget the Everyday Value burgers — I only eat those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d’oeuvres.

I bought some Tesco burgers — I wanted to get venison ones, but they were dead dear.

I ordered a Tesco burger the other day — but asked them to hold the dressage.

Tesco would’ve got away with it if it wasn’t for the DN Neigh test.
 
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I`m going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn`t use this to wash your dog. It`s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he`ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don`t think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
 
A Texan walks into a pharmac_ and wanders up and down the aisles... The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
The Texan answers, "You see, it`s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure that if I have to roll my own, so can she!"
 
A blond guy walks into a dive bar and sits at the counter next to a tough looking guy.

He looks the tough guy up and down and proclaims, "Anything you can do I can do better!"

The tough guy goes, "Oh yeah?" then proceeds to sock the blond right in the jaw. After the blond picks himself up off the floor, he finds he's missing two of his teeth.

"Try and top that!" goads the tough guy.

The blond dusts himself off, clenches his fist and brings his arm back ready for a mighty swing.....



....and brings his fist hard into his own jaw.



When he finally comes to and picks himself off the floor, he finds he's missing three of his teeth.
 
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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma`am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can`t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I`m very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn`t say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you`ve thrown the wrong cough out of the window."
 
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I`ll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived. He visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don`t know what you`re laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."
 
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems."
The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don`t we take some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I`m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I`m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can`t keep a secret..."
 
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver`s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn`t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded . . .
"I think I`ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
 
John went to his friend`s house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
John said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde.
"Hi," he said, "who are you?"
"I`m Baby, and who are you?"
"I`m stupid," he said.
 
A minister would up the services one morning by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.
Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."
 

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