A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

Tommy enters the confessional box and says. . .
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can`t be tellin` you, Father. I don`t want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I`m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia ?"
"I`ll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I`m sorry, but I`ll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You`re a steadfast lad, Tommy, and I admire that. But you`ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What`d you get?"
"Five good leads," says Tommy.

 

[Foreigner]

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened. About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?", asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.
"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I`m Bill Clinton`s driver, and I just killed the pig."

 

[Foreigner]

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a restaurant. Upon arriving, he ordered a drink and got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of drinks, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don`t flush, don`t flush!"

 

[Foreigner]

Mrs. Jones was walking down a Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O`Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "And how are you Mrs. Jones? Didn`t I marry you two years ago?"
She replied "You did that, Father."
"And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father," she said.
"Well now, I`m going to Rome next week, and I`ll light a candle for you."
"Oh, thank you, Father." And away she went.
Several years later they met again.
"Well now, Mrs. Jones," said the Father, "How are you?"
"Oh, very well," she said.
"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I`ve had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all.
"Now isn`t that wonderful !!! ," he said "And how is your fine husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he`s gone to Rome to blow out your candle ..!!!!"

 

[Foreigner]

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello Class, I`m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class, remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick. When Little Johnny gets to his desk, the teacher asks him what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and then says, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
"That`s right." she coaxed.
Then after a few second, Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

 

[Major]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled Voice, "Easy, Michael, we won't be long, easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, Michael, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing Items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, " Michael, Michael relax buddy, don't get upset.We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Michael."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Michael is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm Michael .......the little cough's' name is Kevin."

 

[Major]

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.*

*The husband calls 000 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.*

*His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?"*

*"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly , "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."*

*"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.*

*"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through.."*

 

[amaroo]

Lesson #2 - sums it all up...

 

[Major]

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.*

*The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"*

*"Yes," says the woman.*

*"Did you hit him with that golf club?"*

*"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.*

*"How many times did you hit him?"*

I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven> times.....just put me down for a five."*

 

[Major]

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"

 

[Blackadder]

ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:

This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

Do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my pension book.

It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

It is on my National Health card.

My driving licence.

My car insurance.

On the last eight damn passports I've had.

It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

All those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bull****!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal coughholes workin' there?

Look at my damn picture.

Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for **** sakes. I just want to go and park my cough on some sandy beach somewhere.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last ****ing people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another ****ing copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the ****in' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some coughhole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic ****in' morons)

Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!

 

[Foreigner]

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don`t know," Sid replied. "Why don`t we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don`t know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

 

[Foreigner]

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I`m goin` to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I`ll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy`s haircut was completed and the man still hadn`t returned, the barber said, "Looks like your dad`s forgotten all about you."
"That wasn`t my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, `Come on, son, we`re gonna get a free haircut!`"

 

[Foreigner]

An interoffice cricket game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company.
In 2001, the support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. But the marketing department showed how they earn their keep by posting this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
`The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2001 cricket season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game.`

 

[Foreigner]

A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock `n` roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.
A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision.
The woman angrily exclaimed, "A$$hole!" ...The radio cut over to George Bush`s press conference.

 

[QF WP]

Life's laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theatre & Football - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long ganglylegs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

BTW, did you miss Law 5...?? Yes, so did I

 

[Hvr]

Life's laws


BTW, did you miss Law 5...?? Yes, so did I

Law 5: You will receive this list in about ten different emails in the next couple of days and grow increasingly annoyed by it. Then you wont see it for another couple of years when you'll remember why you were frustrated with it as the cycle starts again.

 

[Major]

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

 

[Major]

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) in the USA

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon,
because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q.. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroi_s
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

 

[straitman]

I was not sure whether to post this as serious or in the jokes thread.

I eventually posted it in jokes though I'm not exactly sure why :!:




Grog Party-- the new political force

Some blokes up north came up with this one while enjoying a quiet ale or three.

They printed-off a few car stickers, for fun, and now the demand for them has gone through the roof.

GROG = Get Rid Of Gillard

WHO WANTS TO JOIN THE G.R.O.G. PARTY???