A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

An Irishman named Darren went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Darren in the eye, and said, "I`ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can`t be cured. I`d give you two weeks to a month to live."
Darren was shocked and saddened by the news but was of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor`s office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting.
Darren, "Well, son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don`t go so well. In this case, things aren`t so well. I have cancer, and I`ve been given a short time to live. Let`s head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Darren old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Darren told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
Darren told his friends, "I`ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Darren their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Darren`s son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer! You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Darren said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don`t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I`m gone."

 

[Foreigner]

A bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, "We will all die some day, and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."
Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.
Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks of life remaining before your death?"
A gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lifes."
"Very good!" said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."
"That is wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law`s house for the four weeks."
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader asked, "Why your mother-in-law`s home?"
Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because that would be the longest four weeks of my life!"

 

[Foreigner]

George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that`s them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We`re planning World War III".
And the guy says, "Really? What`s going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde.
The guy exclaimed, "Intelligent blonde!! Why kill a blonde?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart cough?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

 

[Foreigner]

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn`t understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.
When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord`s Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn`t understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.
Then the preacher said some words that he didn`t understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too.
Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down. After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving.
When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don`t speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No, I don`t. Is it that obvious?"
"Well, yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."

 

[straitman]

A great name for divorce lawyers!

 

[Major]

Have you ever seen a twenty dollar note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar note.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"


"No," I said, intrigued.



"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

 

[anat0l]

School jokes for kids

Teacher: "Please make a sentence with the words 'defence', 'defeat' and 'detail'."
Student: "When a horse jumps over defence, defeat comes before detail."


Teacher: "If you had four chocolates and the student next to you took three of them, what would you have?"
Student: "A fight, Miss."


Teacher: [telling off a student for pulling faces at other students] "You know, my mum told me that if I kept doing that, my face would end up like that one day."
Student: "Well, can't say she didn't warn you, Miss."


Student: "Miss, I ain't got a pencil."
Teacher: "Excuse me, not ain't, haven't. I haven't got a pencil. You haven't got a pencil. They haven't got a pencil. Now, say it correctly, please"
Student: "Don't matter Miss, looks like no one's got pencils."

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

Re: School jokes for kids

Two aliens landed in the Nullarbor near a petrol station that was closed

for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger alien
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addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
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your leader."
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The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
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The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
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The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
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The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
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there was no response.
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Ticked off at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said
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gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or
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I will fire!"
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The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don 't want
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to do that! I really think that will make him mad."
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"Rubbish", replied the coughy, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened
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fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and
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blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess
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about 50 metres away.
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Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
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his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
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older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
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"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn
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near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
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The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
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and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
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travels, it's that you never fool with a guy who can loop his cough over his
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shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."
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​

 

[Flashback]

Re: School jokes for kids

Student: "Miss, I ain't got a pencil."
Teacher: "Excuse me, not ain't, haven't. I haven't got a pencil. You haven't got a pencil. They haven't got a pencil. Now, say it correctly, please"
Student: "Don't matter Miss, looks like no one's got pencils."

Sounds like East Enders talk

 

[Major]

Re: School jokes for kids

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine..
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

 

[TiredOldFlyer]

Re: School jokes for kids

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the a-hole - and they are interchangeable'.

 

[Foreigner]

Re: School jokes for kids

A businessman was confined to the for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. He order his nurses around as if they were his employees.
One morning the head nnurse entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I am sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can`t use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an half an hour, the man`s doctor came into the room. "What`s going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What`s the matter, Doctor? Haven`t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a rose!"

 

[Foreigner]

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife`s expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife`s expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off."
When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don`t tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.
"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She`s still expecting."
"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me." said the soldier simply.

 

[Foreigner]

The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman couldn`t keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he`d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.
When he`d finished she paid him and said, "I`m going to make a . . .well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you`ll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it`s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man-- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I`m a woman and you`re a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes; yes!"
"And since I`ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."
"Yes; yes!"
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

 

[Foreigner]

A doctor, a priest, and a lawyer are adrift on a raft in the south Pacific. They`re just about out of water, food, and hope, when they spot a small island. Only problem is, between the raft and the island is a large hungry school of tiger sharks.
The doctor insists, "I`ll swim for the island and bring back coconuts and maybe even help. If the sharks attack me, with my medical knowledge I`ll be able to tend to my wounds."
The priest says, "No, no my son, I shall swim for the island. I will pray as soon as I hit the water and with my connections I`m sure to make it."
While the doctor and priest are arguing over who is to go, the lawyer dives into the water and swims toward the island. Miraculously, the sharks move away and clear a path for him.
A little while later, the lawyer returns to the raft with a lovely bunch of coconuts. And again the sharks clear a path for him.
He finally gets to the raft and the bewildered doctor and priest ask him what was the source of this miracle, and he replied, "Professional courtesy, of course!"

 

[Deleted member]

Sign in the coffee shop on prince's wharf AKL this morning

 

[Ikara]

This is quintessentially me!
JB

 

[Foreigner]

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he`s shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: `Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!`
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the `hiss, hiss,` is, but what`s that `pop!` every so often?"
"Oh, it`s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can`t be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it`s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

 

[Foreigner]

Tom and Brad have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they`re out for a walk and Tom says, "Hey, Brad, there`s the Officer`s Club. Let`s you and me stop in."
"But we`re privates," protests Brad. "We`re sergeants now," says Tom, pulling him inside. "Now, Brad, I`m gonna sit down and have me a drink."
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Tom.
"Your cute," she says, "and I`d like to screw you, but I`ve got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Tom pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Brad, go look in the dictionary and see what `gonorrhea` means. If it`s okay, give me the okay sign."
So Brad goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Tom the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Tom is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Brad," he says, "Why`d you give me the okay?"
"Well, Tom, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we`re sergeants now."

 

[Foreigner]

Two Irishmen, Murphy and Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another. But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends.
He calls, "Brian, come here Brian. I have a request for you."
Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down.
"Brian, we`ve been friends all our lives, and now I`m dying here. I have one last request for you to do."
Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything you wish. It`s done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I`ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend`s request.
"It is a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"