A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well... ?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24"WAIST and, 36"HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus Christ !"

 

[Foreigner]

A lot of ladies used to sit together every evening in a park and talk non stop.

One day they were sitting very very quietly.

A gentleman who would walk past the noisy group every day was surprised to see them all so quiet.

He inquired about this to which they replied, "You see, today we are ALL present, so we don't know who to gossip about."

 

[anat0l]

A Russian joke (if one ever so existed):


Two cowboys, a newcomer and an old-timer, are drinking beer in front of a saloon. Suddenly, there is a clatter of hooves, a great cloud of dust, and something moving extremely fast from one end of town to the other. The newcomer looks at the old-timer, but seeing no reaction, decides to let the matter drop. However, several minutes later, the same cloud of dust, accompanied by the clatter of hooves, rapidly proceeds in the other direction. Not being able to see what's behind the dust, and unable to contain his curiosity any longer, the newcomer asks:

— OK, what the hell was that?
— Oh, that's Elusive Joe.
— Really? He rides so fast that nobody can catch him? Wow!
— No... Nobody gives a ****.

 

[Major]

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.


And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"


And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."


Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.


To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).


And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.


And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.


And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.


He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.


And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.


It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. And that's the truth....

 

[Hvr]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.



Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
Hurt!!!!!!



'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

 

[Foreigner]

4 men were stranded in a desert. Suddenly, 1 of them died.


The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body.


The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver".


The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester United, so I'll eat his chest".


The 3rd man said, "I support coughnal... but I'm not very hungry"!

 

[Foreigner]

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.


Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about? "


Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."


So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.


After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"


Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."

 

[Foreigner]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

 

[Foreigner]

At a pharmac_, Judi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.

The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

'It won't work,' Judi countered. 'I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt.'

 

[Foreigner]

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

 

[Foreigner]

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one ?"

 

[Foreigner]

After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole' boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."

The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!

The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"

The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that i thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate."

And the Reverend said, "That was damn nice of you, Sir!"

 

[Foreigner]

A soldier serving overseas and far from home was very bitter and terribly upset when his girl wrote that she was breaking off their engagement and wanted her photograph back.

Being a sort of creative fellow, he went out and collected all the unwanted photographs that he could find from his buddies, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

Dear Mary,
Regret cannot remember which one of these is of you... please keep your photo and return the others.

 

[Foreigner]

Noticing that her boss' fly was open, the blushing secretary whispered
tactfully to him:

"Your garage door is open."

The bewildered exec didn't understand the inference until she pointed. He
quickly zipped up and said,".

Thanks! I hope you didn't see my red Porsche?"

"Nope." she replied, "Just an old pink Volkswagen with 2 flat tyres."

 

[Blinky]

Probably been told before, however:

A wedge tail eagle gets on a plane with a rabbit under one wing and a fox under another. He's immediately pulled up by the FA who tells him "sorry sir, you are only allowed one carrion".

Groan......

 

[Foreigner]

A Paksitani boy got admission in an American school.

Teacher: What's your name ?

Boy: Ahmad

Teacher: No, now you are in America your name is Johny from today.

Boy went home. Mom Asked: how was the day Ahmad?

Boy: I am an American now call me Johnny.

Mom & Dad both got offended and beat him up.

Next day he was back to school, all bruised.

Teacher: What happend Johnny?

Boy: Ma'am, just 4 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistanis.

 

[Foreigner]

A lawyer was questioning the testimony of a witness to a shooting.

"Did you see the shot fired?"

"No, sir, I only heard it."

"Stand down" said the judge sharply. "Your testimony is of no value."

The witness turned around in the box to leave, and when his back was turned to the judge he laughed loudly and derisively. Irate at this exhibition of contempt, the judge called the witness back to the chair and demanded to know how he dared to laugh at the court.

"Did you see me laugh, Judge?" asked the witness.

"No, but I heard you," retorted the judge.

"That evidence is not satisfactory, Your Honor, said the witness respectfully.

 

[Foreigner]

This lady is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the lady returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The lady nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping all day."

 

[Foreigner]

A mother asked her young son, as they waited for the bus, to tell the driver he was 5 years old, because then he would ride for free.

As they got into the bus the driver asked him how old he was.

"I am 5 years old," said the little boy proudly.

The driver had a son of his own that age, and smiled, "And when will you be 6 years old?` he asked.

"When I get off the bus," answered the boy.

 

[Major]

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD


A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,

and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the
ice.

After positioning her comfy camping stool, she started to make a circular

cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,


"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"


Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of

cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,


"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"


The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of

the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.


The voice came once more,


"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"


She stopped, looked skyward! and said,


"IS THAT YOU LORD?"


The voice replied,




"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"