A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.
“But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!”
“Bring them along!” said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “You come with us, too.”
“But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!” he answered.
“Bring them, as well!” answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!”

 

[Foreigner]

Little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

 

[Major]

TWO WOMEN are out having a coffee and catching up...
So, how was your evening last night? A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in four minutes the dinner that had taken me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me three minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep two minutes later. Nightmare, and you?

Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work.
He took me out for a very romantic dinner..
We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours.
Once home, he lit all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour.
We then made love for another hour and chatted until late.
It was wonderful.

TWO MEN meet at the pub....
So, how was your evening last night? Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife.
You?
A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived I took her out for dinner.. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful! The dinner was so expensive I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f*cking candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another hour to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing ....... total disaster..

 

[Foreigner]

IT vs. Management

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," Replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

 

[Hvr]

In today's Mx newspaper.

Girl 1, Catching the train reminds me of sex with my husband. I'm either waiting for it, riding it or getting off it.

Girl 2, Ahh feeling deprived are we?

Girl 1, Only for the trains that stop at all stations. My hubby always takes the express.

 

[Foreigner]

Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.
Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'
Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'
Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

[Foreigner]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.


On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.


On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.


On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

[codash1099]

One day the professor was discussing a particularly
complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted,
demanding, "Why do we have to learn all this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded quickly, and
continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
"So, how exactly does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the
professor.

[Now if we only had something to keep the idiots out of
LAW School.]

 

[codash1099]

Daniel arrives home from work promptly at 5pm as he does each day and as soon as he steps through his front door, his wife Judith starts yelling at him. "Why don't you ever wipe your feet before walking into the house? ..... I thought you said you were coming home at lunch time today ...... Where's the shopping I asked you to get on the way home? ..... Don't you ever think of buying me shabbos flowers, like you used to do?"

This incessant criticism, nagging and complaining goes on for nearly 2 hours - nothing Daniel says or does seems to be right by her. By 7pm, Daniel has had enough. But he knows better than to have a go at Judith so he tries a more tactical approach.

"Darling," he says, "Please - let's start again. I'll go back outside and shut the door. Then I'll open the door and come in. We can then pretend I've just come home. What do you think?"

"OK," she replies.

So Daniel puts on his coat, goes outside, shuts the door, waits a minute, opens the door, and steps in with a smile on his face. He immediately announces, in a musical tone, "Oh darling, I'm home."

"And just where have you been?" says Judith, "It's past seven

 

[codash1099]

Feeling horrible, an alligator goes to the veterinarian.
"What seems to be the problem?" the vet asks.

"I just don't have the drive I used to, Doc," the gator
says. "Used to be, I could swim underwater for miles
and catch any animal I wanted. Now all I can do is let
them swim by."

Concerned, the vet gives him a through examination and
hands him a few pills. "What are these?" the gator asks.

"It's a pill very similar to cough," the vet answers.

"Hold on, I don't have that kind of problem." The all-
igator protests. "What exactly is wrong with me?"

"Well." The vet says, "you have a reptile dysfunction. "

 

[Foreigner]

An irate customer called Norman phoned his newsagent at mid-day, and demanded to know where was his Sunday newspaper.
"Norman," replied the newsagent, "today is Saturday. Your Sunday Times will be delivered tomorrow as usual."
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by the sound of a penny dropping in Norman's brain. At last he said ...
"Ah well, that explains why no one was at the church service this morning."

 

[codash1099]

Merry Christmas From The Legal Department



´ I. Though we, the "Greetor," wish you well
In our Holiday Entreaty,
We limit all your claims, Dear Friend
(Hereinafter called the "Greetee").

II. We wish you dreams of Sugar Plums
And dancing Christmas Lights,
But if these Fancies come to Naught
You have no Vested Rights.

III. In no case shall we be at fault
In Implied Claims of Fitness,
And all Writs of Depression must
Be Sworn before a Witness.

IV. Although our Approbations
Are Warranted full free
Of Defects in Sincerity
There is no Guaranty.

V. Whenever there's a Conflict
These, our Contract Terms, will rule;
The "Greetee" then is on his own
To have a Happy Yule.

VI. We hope that You,
Your Kith and Kin Find Christmas Viability;
But if You don't, note now that
We Decline all Liability.

VII. So if you don't hear Sleigh Bells ring,
Or smell the fresh cut Pines,
You have, "Greetee," Released our Firm,
Successors, and Assigns.

VIII. And if Our Heartfelt Christmas Wish
By Counter Claim is marred,
We may, at our Sole Option,
Repossess this Christmas Card.


Accepted ________________________ (Greetee)

Witness ________________________

 

[Major]

I think this has been posted before but still very funny

corks.wmv - YouTube

 

[QF WP]

Little Johnny joke... (Bless the little fella)!

The teacher said "Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."

The teacher said "Jane, you go first"

Jane says "Dough, D O U G H..."

"Italians make pizza with dough.."



Very good, Jane... now let's hear from Mary.

Mary says "My brother makes things with play dough."



"Very good, Mary..." said the Teacher

Johnny then raises his hand. The teacher says "Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"

Johnny replied "My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough, he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"

 

[Foreigner]

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.


After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?'


The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'


The first two guys were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.


She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'

 

[Deleted member]

Not sure if this one has made the cut before....

The British Way

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry.
Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find waterfirst!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show yout hat I am bigger than that and that I am a much better human being than you.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration and rasped
"They won't let me in without a bloody tie”.

 

[nlagalle]

Timmy Writes a letter to Santa:

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys
and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat cough and I’m taking my game console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees
you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got you
wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you
asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
you’re butt and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *

Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little turd......


Santa

 

[nlagalle]

Walking down the Aisle

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.


It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.


I gave her a loving smile and said,

"Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of VB, for the price of 2."

 

[Foreigner]

Mrs Johnson invited some people over for supper. At the table, she turned to her seven year old daughter Martha and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?


'I wouldn't know what to say', Martha replied. 'Just say what you hear Mummy say', Mrs Johnson answered


Martha bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

 

[Major]

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you
steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she
replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up
and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."