A bit of humour

[anat0l]

A blindingly drunk man stumbles out of a bar, down the road, and ends up running into an old spinster.

The spinster looks at the drunk and says with a huff, "Sir, if I were in your condition, I'd shoot myself."

The drunk replies, "Ma'am, if you were in my condition, you'd miss."

<rim shot />

A classic:

Woman: "Mr Churchill, you're drunk!"
Churchill: "Yes, but tomorrow I will be sober. You, madam, will still be ugly!"

 

[Flashback]

In marriage there are three rings:
Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring
Suffering

 

[oz_mark]

In marriage there are three rings:
Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring
Suffering

Heed this words well, grasshopper.

 

[anat0l]

Three men were captured by a savage tribe and were sentenced to be killed. However, the chieftain decides to pose a challenge.

He instructs the three men to go into the jungle and collect 10 of a kind of fruit. He then tells them that they are to bring them back to the tribe, whereupon the 10 fruits will be shoved up their rears. If they can survive that entire ordeal without laughing, they will be set free. Else, they will be put to death.

The three men go out to find fruits. The first one comes back with 10 apples. So he's bent over as each apple is shoved up his rear. No sooner is he past the fifth apple he's laughing. Needless to say he failed and was put to death.

The second man comes back with 10 blueberries. He's up to the 9th blueberry with nary a giggle, but just as they're putting the 10th one in he suddenly bursts out laughing like madman. Not for long, though, since he, too, is put to death.

Up at St Peter's Gate in Heaven, the first man is waiting in line when the second man joins him. The first man has seen all of this and berates his companion.

"You idiot," says the first man, "why did you laugh? You only had one blueberry to go before you were set free and you were doing fine."

"I couldn't help it," says the second man, "As the 10th blueberry was about to go in, the third guy was coming back, and he had 10 pineapples!"

 

[Bundy Bear]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.''Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.' I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

 

[codash1099]

A man is in court. The Judge says, "On the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted, "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued, "...and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty," said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!!"

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"

He replied, "He is my next door neighbour."

The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments."

The man replied, "NO, your Honour, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!!!"

 

[codash1099]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after an entire semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:

"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.

Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.

They found his answer consisted of two words: "What chair

 

[anat0l]

The Australian army developed a simulator for various combat situations involving its helicopter craft. Officials from the US happened to be in the country and requested a simulation of a helicopter landing in an area inhabited by kangaroos. They wanted to see what would be the predicted response patterns, since the reaction of the kangaroos could very well easily give the position of the helicopter away.

The Aussie programmers behind the simulator had already developed such a model except with soldiers instead of kangaroos. Realising that kangaroos and soldiers react almost the same to similar stimuli, being the efficient programmers they are, and wanting to really impress the Americans, they simply changed the name of the affected object from 'soldier' to 'kangaroo', changed the sprite from a human to a kangaroo, and made the movement speed about 3 times faster. Proud of their quick work they decided to get the US officials to try it out.

The US officials were put into the simulator craft, which visualised a helicopter landing in a field bounding with kangaroos. As the helicopter came into land, the kangaroos were seen to be scattering away behind bushes. The officials were suitably impressed .... but then did a double take when out of the bushes popped all of the kangaroos who released a barrage of stinger missiles on the hapless helicopter. (Obviously, the programmers had forgotten that aspect of the model...)

So what happened in the end? Well everyone was more the wiser. The programmers realised that they had to check all necessary behaviours and attributes of an object before they recast it into another kind of object. And the Americans developed a new fear for the ferocity of the Australian wildlife.

 

[oz_mark]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their
seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and
asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer
complaints.'

 

[rwatts]

...
As the helicopter came into land, the kangaroos were seen to be scattering away behind bushes. The officials were suitably impressed .... but then did a double take when out of the bushes popped all of the kangaroos who released a barrage of stinger missiles on the hapless helicopter...

Amazing how this story gets more embellished as time passes. There is an element of truth in that the programmers just changed the visuals on a squad of soldiers and didnt worry about the weapons (which from memory at the time were actually beachballs !)

The guys concerned were just having fun and always knew what would happen (they spent many hours in the rig). On the other hand, I suspect they may still introduce the commando kangaroos every so often, especially when the Americans are visiting.

Richard.

 

[anat0l]

Amazing how this story gets more embellished as time passes...

I posted it as I knew the story; no stretching at all.

Seems like it would be the kind of story that lends itself to ridiculous lengthening and embellishment, though. (Doesn't anything that involves Americans?)

 

[anat0l]

An AFF QFF NB moseys up to the priority check-in line for QF1 (on the new A380) to LHR even though he's only booked in B class. With a smug look on his face, he eyes the lady at the desk and, with a smooth, suave demeanor, says, "Say, you're looking gorgeous today....how's about being a good girl and giving me a First upgrade?"

The pretty lady flutters her eyes and replies, "Well, I think it's your lucky day. We actually have a spare suite on our A380 today, and due to operational reasons Economy has been severely overbooked. We don't really want to deal with the back log of complaints, and since you were so nice and so charming, I'm going to change your class to First. You'll now have access to our world acclaimed First lounge including signature food offering. And I've just put an order ahead for an appointment at our premier spa for a massage and special facial package. You'll also be pleased to hear that we've also managed to procure a very special order of Krug champagne that we're offering only tonight to our valued First class guests on QF1 to London-Heathrow, which will be shared with our award-winning designer Marc Newson in the First lounge. Finally, you will receive a special set of our luxurious pyjamas signed personally by Akira Isogawa."

The man cannot hardly believe it as his heart missed a beat on every second word. Finally, he exclaims, "Wow! You're joking, right???!"

The woman at the desk replies, "Of course. But you started it. Now get lost NB", handing him a boarding pass for 88F.

 

[straitman]

An AFF QFF NB moseys up to the priority check-in line for QF1 (on the new A380) to LHR even though he's only booked in B class. With a smug look on his face, he eyes the lady at the desk and, with a smooth, suave demeanor, says, "Say, you're looking gorgeous today....how's about being a good girl and giving me a First upgrade?"

The pretty lady flutters her eyes and replies, "Well, I think it's your lucky day. We actually have a spare suite on our A380 today, and due to operational reasons Economy has been severely overbooked. We don't really want to deal with the back log of complaints, and since you were so nice and so charming, I'm going to change your class to First. You'll now have access to our world acclaimed First lounge including signature food offering. And I've just put an order ahead for an appointment at our premier spa for a massage and special facial package. You'll also be pleased to hear that we've also managed to procure a very special order of Krug champagne that we're offering only tonight to our valued First class guests on QF1 to London-Heathrow, which will be shared with our award-winning designer Marc Newson in the First lounge. Finally, you will receive a special set of our luxurious pyjamas signed personally by Akira Isogawa."

The man cannot hardly believe it as his heart missed a beat on every second word. Finally, he exclaims, "Wow! You're joking, right???!"

The woman at the desk replies, "Of course. But you started it. Now get lost NB", handing him a boarding pass for 88F.

That's not a joke. That's real life :!: :evil:

 

[codash1099]

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.

As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

 

[azza_1992]

Re: Singapore, Europe Trip

[FONT=&quot]I'm leaving tomorrow, thank you all for your help.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[anat0l]

Re: Singapore, Europe Trip

[FONT=&quot]I'm leaving tomorrow, thank you all for your help.[/FONT]

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

 

[Flashback]

Re: Singapore, Europe Trip

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

Huh?

 

[anat0l]

Re: Singapore, Europe Trip

Huh?

Looks like an errant cross post so I was trying to make a hook out of that breaking the continuity of this thread.

Seems like it's badly backfired.

Anyway....to break the boredom and back into the humour:

[at a restaurant]

Man (to waiter): "Bring me an omelette."
Waiter: "French or Spanish, sir?"
Man: "Who cares?! I'm going to eat it, not speak to it."

---

[another, at a restaurant]

Man (to lady behind counter): "I'd like a coffee without cream please."
Counter Lady: "We're out of cream, sir, but I can get you a coffee without milk."

---

[another one again, at a restaurant]

Man (to waiter): "Waiter! There's a spider in my soup!"
Waiter: "It's the fly's day off, sir."

 

[anat0l]

A newlywed couple enter their hotel room. As soon as the door closes, the husband takes off his pants and throws them to his wife. He tells her to put them on.

The pants are too loose for the wife to wear. "I can't wear the pants," she says.

"That's right!" the husband replies, "And that's how it's going to be for the rest of our lives!"

The wife then thinks and removes her underwear and throws them to her husband. She tells him to put them on.

He is struggling to get them up past his legs. "I can't get into your panties, dear," he says.

"That's right!" the wife replies, "And that's how it's going to be until that attitude of yours changes!"

 

[futaris]

Can anyone tell me how to convert mushrooms into several F RTW redemptions?