A bit of humour

[straitman]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.I have two female parrots,But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,Then he thought for a moment.'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,
Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . ..
That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,'this may very well be the solution.'

​

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in,She saw that his two male parrotsWere inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked,
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed,
'Put the beads away, Frank.Our prayers have been answered!'

 

[straitman]

How appropriate for AFF :!: :shock:

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

 

[straitman]

A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He does it with a mirror" or "He's got it up his sleeve."

The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence.

One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank within a few minutes. Amid the wreckage and the lifeboats, the magician sat on one end of a table from the first class dining room. At the other end sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his feathers caked with fuel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently saying nothing.

Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across the table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. "Okay, I give up," he squawked. "What did you do with the ship?"
​

 

[anat0l]

Doctor! Doctor!

A man goes to the doctor with two red ears.

"What seems to be the problem?" enquires the doc.

"I was ironing my clothes in the living room," says the man, "when the phone rang. But instead of answering the phone, I answered the iron."

"Well, that explains one red ear, but what happened to the other?"

"Five minutes later, the same idiot called back!"

----------

Australian medical teams have discovered a revolutionary means of saving money. They've found that they can save on costs of purchasing and running defibrillators because they're not needed any more.

Why waste valuable electricity shocking someone when you could far more efficiently shock them by showing them the hospital bill?

 

[NM]

Re: Doctor! Doctor!

Alternate ending:

"Well, that explains one red ear, but what happened to the other?"

"Five minutes later, the same idiot called back!"

"Well, that explains one red ear, but what happened to the other?"

"I had to phone to make an appointment to come and see you!"

 

[codash1099]

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large,
menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All
you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of assholes!"

A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?"

The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on
the other side of the bar are fa_gots!"

Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem
with that?"

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk
towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

 

[anat0l]

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn

Get your head around these:

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
• After a number of injections my jaw got number.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Now a little departure:

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.


Finally, some guidelines to better English:


Avoid clichés like the plague. They are old hat!

One word sentences? Eliminate!

Be more or less very specific with your words.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than under-statement.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said “I hate quotations.”

Plenty of under statement makes absolutely superb writing.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Do we really need rhetorical questions?

Avoid ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

Parenthesis (however relevant) are unnecessary.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Always avoid allowing alliterations!

 

[straitman]

New Stockmarket Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.

 

[anat0l]

Re: New Stockmarket Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
... <snip>

EBITDA -- Earnings Before I Trick Da Accountant

(credits to shillard (FT) for this one)

 

[straitman]

Gentle Thoughts for Today--

Birds of a feather flock together and cough on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.

I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf

Lord,Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth..AMEN..!!

 

[anat0l]

Re: Gentle Thoughts for Today--

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf

So stop hitting innocent rough white balls around whilst wearing goofy pants or we'll burn you at the stake. :mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen:

 

[straitman]

Re: Gentle Thoughts for Today--

So stop hitting innocent rough white balls around whilst wearing goofy pants or we'll burn you at the stake. :mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen:

You got it in one :!:

 

[anat0l]

One from my regular barista (obviously female):

"A man walks into a bar and says, 'Ouch'."

 

[oz_mark]

One from my regular barista (obviously female):

"A man walks into a bar and says, 'Ouch'."

In the same vain

Two blondes walk into a building.

You'd think one of them would have seen it.

 

[anat0l]

Murphy's Laws of Combat

1. You are not a superman.
2. If it's stupid but works, it's not stupid.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
5. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
6. Remember: Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
7. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
8. No plan survives the first contact intact.
9. All 5-second grenade fuses will burn out in 3.
10. Try to look unimportant. The enemy may be low on ammo.
11. If you are forward of your position the artillery will always fall short.
12. The important things are always simple.
13. The simple things are always hard.
14. The easy way is always mined.
15. If you are short of everything except enemy, you're in combat.
16. When you have secured an objective, don't forget to let the enemy know about it.
17. Incoming fire has the right of way.
18. If the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU.
19. No combat ready unit ever passed inspection.
20. Beer math: two beers times 37 men equal 49 cases.
21. Body count math: two guerillas plus one portable plus two pigs equal 37 enemy KIA.
22. Things that must be together to work usually can't be shipped together.
23. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
24. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
25. Tracers work both ways.
26. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
27. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
28. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.
29. When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right.
30. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
31. Murphy was a grunt.

 

[Maca44]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said.
"Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad, at the same time."
She replied, "You have the biggest cough of all your friends."

 

[straitman]

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend inVermont . Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied,"I want to offer my deepest condolences"

 

[Flashback]

Following the problems in the financial sector in the US, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

 

[oz_mark]

Q: What's the capital if Iceland?
A: About $1.50

 

[straitman]

A political story for your entertainment !

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Rudd

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down .....all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ..


Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Kev!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-cough joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!