A bit of humour

[NM]

Chewing Gum Health Warning

New government health warning about chewing gum.

 

[QF WP]

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'...if you were a woman in those days you'd pick skinny little men for hubby's eh!

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone...

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow...At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! (Ed - I tried and failed).

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile (USA) National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs -Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Q: Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A: Obsession

Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A: One thousand (Ed - yes, I started counting to check it )

Q: What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A: All were invented by women

Q: What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A: Honey

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

and one for the mathematicians:
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Finally, believe it or not, you can read the following sentence. (Go on, try it, just because it looks weird don't give up):

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

(Now that is like some of our members posting :mrgreen

 

[NM]

(Now that is like some of our members posting :mrgreen

now, now, my tpying hsa imprvoed sinse I instaaled teh speeling chceker

 

[anat0l]

Learn something about Russian culture, and have a chuckle as well:

Russian Jokes
Russian Political Jokes

 

[oz_mark]

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

 

[straitman]

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged,French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no 1 in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'!
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please,ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you're also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor!'
'This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans
often seem to have a penchantfor doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
Youdrive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem tohave thrown the wrong cough out the window!

 

[straitman]

**lovemaking Tips For Seniors***

**1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.**

**2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.**

**3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!**

**4. Make sure you put 000 on your speed dial before you begin.**

**5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.**

**6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.**

**7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.**

**8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbours are deaf too.**

**9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.**

**10. Don't even think about trying it twice.**

**(Notice I sent it in large type so you can read it***

 

[codash1099]

I've been reading a new book, if any of you would like to borrow it
just let me know. It's called the "Useful Golf Book". It contains
some really good articles such as:


* How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt

* How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee

* How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker

* How to get more distance off the shank

* Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk

* Crying and how to handle it

* How to rationalize a 7-hour round

* How to find the ball that everyone else saw go in the water

* Why your spouse no longer cares that you birdied the 4th

* How to let a foursome play through your twosome without
getting embarrassed

* How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee

 

[codash1099]

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.

She charged that he had called her a pig.

The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true."

Does this mean I cannot call a pig, Mrs. Johnson the man asked?

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said..."

Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"

 

[JohnK]

I've been reading a new book, if any of you would like to borrow it just let me know. It's called the "Useful Golf Book".

Classic! I don't need to borrow the book though as none of the things mentioned have ever happened to me. :-|

 

[anat0l]

A lot of blondes are at a Blonde Convention. The leader of the convention is at the podium. "I am sick and tired of people thinking that blondes are dumb. Well, I'm going to put that to rest right now!"

He looks around the audience and picks out a petite, young blonde lady with a large bust, and calls her to the stage.

"Let us prove that blondes are not dumb," he says, then turning to the lady asks her, "What is 123 + 456?"

"777?" she replies. The leader frowns as he says, "No, that's not correct."

Everyone in the crowd then yells, "Aw, come on! Give her another go!"

The leader concedes and says, "OK, let me try again. What is 23 + 32?"

"51?" she replies after some thought. Again, the leader shakes his head embarrassingly, "No, I'm afraid that's not right either..."

Once again, the entire crowd yells, "Aw, come on! Give her another go!"

The leader - clearly exasperated - says, "All right. This is your final chance. What is 1 + 1?"

The lady thinks really hard, then finally proffers, "2?"

Just as the leader is about to speak, the entire crowd yells, "Aw, come on! Give her another go!"

----------

A flight over the Atlantic takes a turn for the worst. The pilot reports a serious damage in the engines and everyone is now panicking as it looks like the last moments for all.

A woman in First Class jumps up and beseeches to the whole cabin, "I'm too young to die! I am a virgin and I don't know what it feels like yet to be a real woman! Is there a man here who can make me feel like a real woman?"

The entire cabin is silent. Finally, a man stands up and says, "I'll do it. I'll make you feel like a real woman."

The woman starts breathing heavily as he sees this muscular, well-toned man walking up towards her. Her heart almost skips a beat as he took off his shirt to reveal his well built body.

He hands the shirt to the woman and says, "Iron this."

 

[codash1099]

During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and was captured by the naz_s. He was hurt pretty bad so the German doctor amputated his arm. The pilot requested that they drop his arm over his base in England. The Germans, in a rare display of respect, did.

Then next week they amputated his other arm and he asked for the same thing. Again, the Germans complied.

The week after that they amputated his leg, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England.

The German general replied, "Nein, Ve do dis no more!"

The pilot asked, "Why not?"

The German answered, "Ve tink you trying to escape!"

 

[dot]

Male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurseappears to give him a partial sponge bath.Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicl_s black?'Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir; I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicl_s black?' Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicl_s, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicl_s in the other.Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

 

[Alanslegal]

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin and truth be told he is a virgin too but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night after a sumptuous banquet at Mum and Dad's restaurant with 300 guests, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring' he whispers. 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you I give you anyting you want to do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whachu want?' he says trying to sound experienced and worldly which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back 'I wan to try somting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence this time from him.

Eventually in a puzzled tone he asks her.... 'You want...... Garric Chicken wif snow peas?'

 

[Bundy Bear]

[FONT=&quot]A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get the coughk off now, cause we're in a hurry!

And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the coughk on, cause we're going down the tracks'..

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.

Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pi$$ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the cough in the kitchen.'[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

 

[codash1099]

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

4. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[straitman]

The absolute best Little Johnnie joke

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie'sfamily was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talkwith him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anythingabout the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, hewould get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful littlehands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be cough**d if he needed glasses'

 

[Alanslegal]

Drink Driving!

(Only an Aussie could pull this one off!)

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland.

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

 

[Siegfried]

A group of six blondes walk in to a bar, and grab a table. One of them goes to the bar, and orders a bottle of champagne, and 6 glasses. On returning to the table, the champers is poured, and a toast drunk, the toast being "9 weeks". This continues through several bottles of champagne with the same toast, until finally the barman is overcome with curiosity, and asks the next blonde when she comes to the bar what the celebration is all about.

The blonde replies "you know the reputation that blondes have for being dumb? Well, we just totally disproved it."

"That's great" says the barman. "How?"

Replies the blonde "We just completed a really difficult jigsaw puzzle, in only 9 weeks. And on the box, it said 7 Years and Up".

 

[codash1099]

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