A bit of humour

[codash1099]

Merry Christmas From The Legal Department

I. Though we, the "Greetor," wish you well
In our Holiday Entreaty,
We limit all your claims, Dear Friend
(Hereinafter called the "Greetee").

II. We wish you dreams of Sugar Plums
And dancing Christmas Lights,
But if these Fancies come to Naught
You have no Vested Rights.

III. In no case shall we be at fault
In Implied Claims of Fitness,
And all Writs of Depression must
Be Sworn before a Witness.

IV. Although our Approbations
Are Warranted full free
Of Defects in Sincerity
There is no Guaranty.

V. Whenever there's a Conflict
These, our Contract Terms, will rule;
The "Greetee" then is on his own
To have a Happy Yule.

VI. We hope that You, Your Kith and Kin
Find Christmas Viability;
But if You don't, note now that We
Decline all Liability.

VII. So if you don't hear Sleigh Bells ring,
Or smell the fresh cut Pines,
You have, "Greetee," Released our Firm,
Successors, and Assigns.

VIII. And if Our Heartfelt Christmas Wish
By Counter Claim is marred,
We may, at our Sole Option,
Repossess this Christmas Card.


Accepted ________________________
(Greetee)

Witness ________________________

 

[drron]

Court Testimony
A policeman was being cross-examined by a defense
attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to
undermine the policeman's credibility…
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching
the description of the offender, running several blocks
away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-
called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do
you have a room where you change your clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a
room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court
complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk
through that room.'
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess
was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for
this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

 

[drron]

What to Give an Optimist and Pessimist
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each
other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other
thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud,
the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up.
Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the
other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their
father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable
toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse
manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and
found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all
these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff,
I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually
get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him
dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so
happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a
pony in here somewhere!

 

[drron]

Don't Make a Nurse Angry
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in
the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he
bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do
with him. The head nurse was the only one who could
stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I
have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I
cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another
round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and
bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST
LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He
curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his
door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor
comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc?
Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature
taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I
haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

 

[anat0l]

A man is enjoying a coffee at a cafe when he looks across the road and notices two council workers. One of them is digging up a hole in the ground, whilst the other is simply shovelling the dirt back into the hole.

The man continues to drink his coffee as he watches the two workers continue in this fashion. Finally, after half an hour, he finishes his coffee and goes across the road to find out what's going on.

"What are you two doing?" the man asks.

"Jim and I are working as part of the council's initiative to plant trees along this road," replies one of the workers.

"But all you're doing is digging a hole and then filling it up again. Aren't you wasting the council's money?" the man inquires.

"Not at all," replies the worker. "You see, Jim digs the hole, Barry puts the tree in, then I fill up the hole again. Just because Barry's sick doesn't mean we can't do our jobs."

 

[spiggy_topes]

Checked into a hotel room recently and was going through the registration process.

Me: 'By the way, I've got my family with me. Is the room's cough channel disabled?'
Receptionist: 'No, it's regular cough...you sick cough!'

 

[straitman]

Thought for the day.

'I don't mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bull****!!

 

[straitman]

The Stork.

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think your getting your birds mixed up 'Cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach.!!!​

 

[codash1099]

Two blokes from Melbourne are quietly sitting in a boat at Lake Bolac,
Victoria fishing and drinking beer when suddenly John says,

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2
months."

Bill takes a sip out of his stubby and says, "You better think it over
mate - women like that are hard to find."

 

[codash1099]

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do", said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. But then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old coot!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is usually in July!"

 

[straitman]

Noah

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said: Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ? 'Forgive me, Lord', begged Noah, 'but things have changed.

I needed a building permit.

I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.


Immigration and Naturalisation are checking the employment status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the Taxation Department seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord.
'The Government beat me to it.
​

 

[drron]

Re: Noah

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said: Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ? 'Forgive me, Lord', begged Noah, 'but things have changed.

I needed a building permit.

I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.


Immigration and Naturalisation are checking the employment status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the Taxation Department seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord.
'The Government beat me to it.​

Amen to that!

 

[codash1099]

The ultimate in bad in-flight entertainment programming

YouTube - jetBlue in-flight TV Programming Gone Very Wrong

 

[straitman]

How to speak New Zilland

How to speak New Zilland

A is for Arm
Uttered when thinking.

B is for Bull
What you're charged for a meal.

C is for Cuds
Children.

D is for Donut
Long version of don't.

E is for Ear
What we breath.

F is for Fush
Sea Creatures.

G is for Guess
Used for cooking or heating.

H is for Hull
Land which isn't flat.

I is for Ice cream
What I do when the All Blacks lose.

J is for Jug
Type of Irish dance.

K is for Ken's
Popular holiday city in Queensland.

L is for lust
Something you write before going shopping.

M is for Milburn
Capital of Victoria.

N is for Nutter
To have a yarn.

O is for One doze
A pane of glass in a wall.

P is for Pigs
Found on a clothes line.

Q is for Quad
Slang term for a British pound Note.

R is for Rung
A piece of Jewellery.

S is for sucks
The number after five.

T is for Tin
The number after nine.

U is for Undies
West Undies. Good at cricket.

V is for Volley
Area between two hulls.

W is for Windy
A girls name.

X is for Xylophone
It's the same in any language.

Y is for Yuppie
An expression of delight.

 

[straitman]

The animation is quite incredible - don't swat the screen !

THIS IS JUST PLAIN CREEPY

A LIVING SPIDER


Poke and prod the spider withyour mouse, also 'grab' one of its legs with your mouse and drag it around the screen -- tell me it's not alive!
Also anywhere on the map hit the Space Bar ....... (Double Left Click too) and it leaves little bugs, watch the spider go after it, this is totally crazy and creepy too!


​

Play With Spider - Flash 3D - OneMotion.com

 

[drron]

I am now working in North Queensland.There has been an outbreak of a vicious virus believed to have been introduced by a Victorian traveller.Given their propensity to travel the virus is probably now spread throughout Australia.The symptoms are fatique,a lack of humour and a sense of boredom.The virus is called WORK.
If you have had contact with a person you suspect has this virus as a matter of urgency you should immediately go to a pub and partake of the only known effective treatment.It is called RUM.
To spread the word I urge all of you to immediately email 6 friends with this message.If you realise that you havent got 6 friends it is too late-you are already infected.Sadly there is no cure.

 

[Maca44]

Warning:Virus.
If you get an email saying Nude Photos of Sarah Palin in it.
DO NOT open it. It may contain a virus.

And if you get an email saying Nude Photos of Julia Gillard
DO NOT OPEN as may contain Nude photos of Julia Gillard.

 

[straitman]

Warning:Virus.
If you get an email saying Nude Photos of Sarah Palin in it.
DO NOT open it. It may contain a virus.

And if you get an email saying Nude Photos of Julia Gillard
DO NOT OPEN as may contain Nude photos of Julia Gillard.

:mrgreen: :shock: :mrgreen: :shock:

 

[JohnK]

A bug is a beetle, and 50 years ago it was beetles that got comfortable next to the warm vaccuum tubes of a computer ... thereby causing shorts every now and then.

Debugging in the 'good ole days' was to be taken literally ... removing the beetles from the circuitry.

Today debugging is a tad more complex....

 

[anat0l]

One for the IT geeks out there (courtesy of xkcd):

"I'm an Idiot"