A bit of humour

[Flashback]

*golf clap* (no pun intended.....)

 

[Flashback]

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this !

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s
had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone:

'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal - 'we have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)

'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too. '

 

[bambbbam2]

Part 1 of 3 from one of my favourite TV series, "People Like Us".

This is the 'Airline Pilot' edition (warning 10 minute long Youtube)

YouTube - People like us - pilots - part 1/3

 

[drron]

Definition of an optimist.
An investment banker who irons 5 shirts on Sunday night.
What is the difference between a pidgeon and an investment banker?
A pidgeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

 

[codash1099]

Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil,
the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

 

[straitman]

Veterinary Science ...

The Dead Cow and Vet School

First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the cough opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.

 

[straitman]

Why God Created Children

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve .

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve ..we have forbidden fruit! "

" No Way ! "

"Yes way ! "

"Do NOT eat the fruit !" said God.

"Why ?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so !" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked !

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve ..

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not ! "

"Did too ! "

"DID NOT ! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY !

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.

In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.


AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

 

[RB]

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to
him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off-duty flight
attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: Damn,
she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again;
"Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list. Next he tried
the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him, "What the coughk do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair and said, "Ahhhhh, Air Canada."

 

[codash1099]

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find
her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was
about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps
you should hear how all this came about..."

"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman
looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a
meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had
discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for
your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit
you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which
were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there
anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

 

[codash1099]

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffee-house" . The mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said: "Satisfaction to the last drop", so Mother was happy.

The second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Four Square Cigarettes". So the mother looks for the ad, and it says; "LIVE LIFE KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted.

The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS"!

 

[Flashback]

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed a new man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

 

[codash1099]

An investment counsellor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

 

[anat0l]

Father (to son): "Son, if you want to succeed in business, you need two things: honesty and wisdom."
Son: "What do you mean?"
Father: "Son, you must be honest to everyone you work with. If you make a promise, you see that you follow it through no matter what, even if it means you go broke."
Son: "What about wisdom?"
Father: "That's quite simple, son. Don't make any promises."

 

[codash1099]

A fellow went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it...and went to the drug store to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five day cruise, the guy said, "Great, I'll take it!" and returned to the same pharmac_ to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry...but, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
​

 

[Flashback]

A cop pulls over a car, 2 guys in it. He asks the driver for his license and reg. and the guy rolls his eyes and slowly reaches toward the glove box; the cop reaches through the window and belts the guy one with his baton. "Hurry it up, skippy!"
The rest of the traffic stop is uneventful and the cop is headed back to his car after writing the ticket when he stops and walks back to the passenger side of the car, motioning for the passenger to roll down his window. The guy rolls down the window and the cop belts him one with his baton. The guy says "What the hell did you do that for?" The cop grins and says "Making your wish come true." Guy says "What?" Cop says "I knew when you got a couple of miles down the road you'd turn to your buddy and say 'I wish that cop would've tried that with me..."

 

[anat0l]

Not very punny - slow news day.....

Disgruntled Man: "I didn't come here to be insulted!"
Shopkeeper: "Where do you usually go?"

---

A: "What kind of idiot do you take me for?"
B: "You mean there's more than one kind?"

---

[father and son at a fair sees a vendor selling balloons]
Father: "A balloon for my son, please."
Balloon Man: "$10 please."
Father: "$10?!!! What makes a little balloon cost that much?"
Balloon Man: "Inflation."

---

A bunch of sculptors were at the pub last night....they got completely plastered.

A bunch of workers from a fireworks factory were at the pub last night....they had a blast.

---

I think I'm not on good terms with my chiropractor. Every session, he seems to have a bone to pick with me.

---

Someone broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets. The chief was later quoted saying that they have nothing to go on.

---

A: "My boss is driving me crazy. I'm thinking of resigning before I go ape."
B: "Who's your boss?"
A: "Jane Goodall."

---

My uncle had huge investments in NSW forestry. When the reports of bushfires came through, he saw his life savings go up in smoke.

 

[codash1099]

Three old guys are sitting on a porch in Miami.

"Gentlemen, isn't life horrible? Here I am at an age where I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I can't eat anything but soft foods."

Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why, here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines and champagne but what? Ulcers. I have to drink milk."

"I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she was interested. She screamed at me, 'What is wrong with you? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!'"

Long pause. Finally the first guy says, "So what's your problem?"

"Can't you see? My memory is going."

 

[straitman]

LindsayWilson, take note :!:


BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. -love this one
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
______________________________________________________
The Baby clothes:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour co-ordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up
the baby.
2nd bab y: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing
______________________________________________________
Dummies:

1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can
go home and wash and sterilise it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some
juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Nappy changing:

1st baby: You change your baby's nappies every hour, whether they need
it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________
Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for
the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!
_____________________________________________________
Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . . or everyone
who KNOWS someone who has had children . .
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)

GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live!

 

[codash1099]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

 

[codash1099]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'