A bit of humour

[Deleted member]

For anyone flying to Wellington this weekend to support the wallabies.

 

[Foreigner]

Le French madness:

 

[marki]

This is what happens to all the paper towels in aircraft toilets by the look of it:

Airplane Lavatory Self-Portraits

I however often find paper in short supply, now I know why"eyes-roll"

 

[marki]

Le French madness:

View attachment 77951

So true so true! In some places it is seen necessary to undress

 

[Cruiser Elite]

One of our fiercest competitors has introduced a new model to try to steal market share from us:



No biggie - I can see right through their plan!

 

[Wingin..it]

Teacher Arrested

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes".

Thought I'd add to the theme;
The algebras managed to board a flight but is feared missing in the Isosceles TRIANGLE. They tried to protract themselves out of their seats and made all sorts of mathematical equations to get the best positions for least injury.They were last heard saying their numbers are up???

 

[Foreigner]

A lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny Canadian guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.

"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your silly axe and cut it down."

The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes there is a mighty crash. The giant redwood is down, just barely missing the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," says the guy.

The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.

"Sure...... That's what they call it now!"

 

[Wingin..it]

Hear about the CATastrophic inflight incident ......it was half expected on a TIGER air flight.

 

[Boca68]

Hear about the CATastrophic inflight incident ......it was half expected on a TIGER air flight.

Now your just taking the cough!



(head back to my corner now)

 

[whatmeworry]

***Urgent *******URGENT!!!!


HELP NEEDED!!!!!


My mate won two tickets for the 2016 AFL GRAND FINAL in Melbourne. They are box seats plus airfares, Crown Casino penthouse accommodation and $1000.00 for miscellaneous expenses. When he won them his Wedding date had not been finalized. Now it turns out the only date available at the church for their wedding is on AFL Grand Final Day - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at 1st Baptist Church at 5 PM on October 1st... She is a fairly nice looking girl about 5'5 clean, cute, and her name is Kelly. She will be the one in the White dress.
If interested, contact me for more detailed information! ASAP

 

[Flashback]

***Urgent *******URGENT!!!!


HELP NEEDED!!!!!


My mate won two tickets for the 2016 AFL GRAND FINAL in Melbourne. They are box seats plus airfares, Crown Casino penthouse accommodation and $1000.00 for miscellaneous expenses. When he won them his Wedding date had not been finalized. Now it turns out the only date available at the church for their wedding is on AFL Grand Final Day - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at 1st Baptist Church at 5 PM on October 1st... She is a fairly nice looking girl about 5'5 clean, cute, and her name is Kelly. She will be the one in the White dress.
If interested, contact me for more detailed information! ASAP

Happy to help, is she good looking?

 

[drron]

Fed up with absolutely no progress on peace negotiations the Israeli and Egyptian Governments came up with a plan.They would have a dog fight with the winner becoming the ruler of both countries.They agreed that they would have 5 years to come up with the perfect fighting dog.
The Egyptians scoured the world for the fiercest dogs-Rottweilers,Pit bulls etc and embarked on a breeding program selecting the most active dog from each litter of the crossbreeds eventually coming up with this huge fighting machine.It needed especially hardened steel bars for it's kennel and could rip a lion apart.
The day came for the fight.The Egyptians were surprised but feeling confident when the Israelis revealed their dog-a 12 foot long Daschund.Many wagers were put on the Egyptian dog.
The moment came and the dogs were released.The Egyptian dog raced out of it's kennel making ferocious noises.The Israeli dog sauntered towards it's opponent.As the Egyptian dog began it's attack the daschund opened it's jaws and swallowed the Egyptian dog with only a few tail hairs left fluttering in the breeze.
The Egyptians were amazed."How did you breed a dog like that?"they asked of the Israelis."Well we didn't breed anything but it took a team of plastic surgeons from New York and Florida 5 years to make an alligator look like a daschund."

 

[Foreigner]

Beer Troubleshooting:


Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.


Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.


Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.


Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.


Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.


Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.


Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.


Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.


Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.


Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: You're dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.


Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.


Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.


Symptom: Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.


Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.


Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.

 

[coriander]

Entering ten or so characters.

 

[vetrade]

True story:
Facebook post "Anyone want to take my mother off my hands? She left the bath running upstairs and flooded downstairs so now we're drying out the house with fans before the carpet can be replaced"
Reply: "I'll take her......I need new carpet!"

 

[anat0l]

If two vegans are arguing, are they still having a beef?

 

[Foreigner]

If two vegans are arguing, are they still having a beef?

Not until one makes mincemeat of the other!

 

[marki]

If two vegans are arguing, are they still having a beef?

Pork , lamb etc etc ...... Mostly likely

 

[Boca68]

If two vegans are arguing, are they still having a beef?

Not until one makes mincemeat of the other!

Pork , lamb etc etc ...... Mostly likely

And, is it possible for a vegan to be pigheaded? Or carrying on like a pork chop?

 

[marki]

i not sure but I am pigheaded for sure

And, is it possible for a vegan to be pigheaded? Or carrying on like a pork chop?