A bit of humour
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From my 7 year old son...
Q: Why is it difficult to play games in the forest?
A: Because there are always lots of cheetahs
Q: Why is it difficult to play games in the forest?
A: Because there are always lots of cheetahs
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A LETTER TO THE US
FROM JOHN CLEESE
To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.
3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to coughney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every two seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies) You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.
7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cough and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).
12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
* John Cleese
FROM JOHN CLEESE
To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.
3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to coughney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every two seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies) You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.
7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cough and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).
12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
* John Cleese
alieninperth
Active Member
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2010
- Posts
- 755
I remember reading this after the yankies elected GW for the second time. Their response was quite nice too.
[TABLE="width: 96%"][TR][TD]
[/TD][TD]Dear Mr. Cleese,
Your recent message has been received here “across the pond,” and we Americans are giving it due consideration. You make some very good points, and I will acknowledge them here, and then get on to a few little matters on which we differ.
It can’t be denied that we are currently a country severely in need of some guidance. Since the fall of the Soviet Union we seem to have been flailing about, “the world’s only superpower,” unable to decide what to do with all that military might. Sadly, we’ve decided to use it on the flimsiest of excuses, blundering about and tipping things over and generally making a bloody nuisance of ourselves. However, I wonder if you in Blighty are actually the ones best suited to straighten us out. You, after all, have been governed by the appeasing Neville Chamberlain, the near-fascist Margaret Thatcher, and Tony “Bush’s Butt Boy” Blair. (Let’s just forget all about that Mad King George III business. Water under the bridge.) Mr. Blair was single-handedly responsible for giving a veneer of legitimacy to the term “coalition.” Without your support in Iraq the invasion would have consisted of the USA and assorted rabble.
I have no excuse or reasonable explanation for our pronunciation of “aluminium.” I’ll see if we can fix that. However, it should be noted that only idiots mispronounce “nuclear.” You have your idiots, too.
Yes, we have too many guns, lawyers, and therapists. They are all as hard to eradicate as a bad case of the penicillin-resistant clap, and I despair of curing any of them. And a vegetable peeler may in fact be too lethal for many of us to handle.
We’re slowly getting used to UK prices for gasoline, believe me. I expect we’ll be caught up to you by next summer, unless the decline in value of the US dollar brings that about sooner.
Metrification … I can’t explain that, either. But you might bear in mind that you are the chaps that foisted your system of weights and measures on us. We still call it the “English system,” in fond memory of the odd people who invented it, and though you have had the good sense to abandon it, I suspect that some Englishmen still call for a pint of bitter down at the local.
I think that pretty much covers our points of agreement. Now, I’d like to make some points of my own.
[TABLE="width: 100%"][TR][TD="align: right"]1.
[/TD][TD]Tea out of cups and saucers is for cough. Serious cultures drink coffee out of mugs. Tea was one of the reasons we went to war with you. (That was the first time. We whipped you twice, if you recall.) Tea was what got you into that whole Black Hole of Calcutta unpleasantness in India, and all sorts of contretemps in your Empire. And if you hadn’t noticed, the sun now sets on the British Empire regularly, once a day.
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]2.
[/TD][TD]While I agree with you about American beer, it is fatuous for you to hold up the brown swill you drink as a potable beverage. There are only two cultures in the world who know how to brew beer, and that is the Germans and the Australians, as they drink more of it than all other countries combined.
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]3.
[/TD][TD]You presume to lecture us about food? You, whose entire contribution to world cuisine is the good old “fry-up” of fish and chips? That is, unless you want to count steak and kidney pie, bully beef, the meat pastie, and Marmite? (I’d advise you not to count them; it only hurts your case. Especially the Marmite.)
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]4.
[/TD][TD]Soccer is for cough.
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]5.
[/TD][TD]A lot of your words sound rather … effeminate, which may be why we don’t use them. What is this “lorry” business, anyway? You can’t even say it without holding your pinkie in the air. A large vehicle for moving goods from place to place is a truck, and always will be. Those who operate them are truckers, not lorry drivers.
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]6.
[/TD][TD]I believe we Americans understand the British sense of humour quite well, thank you. We completely understood the brilliant humour of “Monty Python’s Flying Circus.” If we hadn’t, you might be delivering a stand-up routine on the sidewalk in front of a chip shop in Brighton instead of relaxing poolside at your estate in Santa Barbara, which is where I last saw you.
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]7.
[/TD][TD]Again, I agree with you about American actors playing British people, and you didn’t even mention two worse examples: Julia Roberts and Kevin Costner. However, that goes both ways. Anthony Hopkins has recently played a Louisiana judge, a psychotic American psychiatrist, and John Quincy Adams. Kate Winslet and Jude Law also tried to speak Louisianan, and Law pretended he was from North Carolina in Cold Mountain. Cate Blanchett hardly plays anything but Americans anymore, except when she takes a holiday as one of your Elizabeths. She even played Bob Dylan, for crying out loud. Yes, I know she’s an Aussie, but what is an Aussie but a Brit who says “G’day” a lot?
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]8.
[/TD][TD]And now, language. First, I should point out that, like the “English system,” you are the ones who invented this most illogical, difficult, and inconsistent of languages and fobbed it off on an unfortunate world. And now you presume to lecture us about cleaving to the stupidities inherent in its very structure? Take that “u” in “colour,” etc., that u are so insistent we use. You don’t pronounce it. We don’t pronounce it. It’s useless, it’s superfluous; we abandoned it. Why not coulour, while you’re at it? Our “neighbours,” the Canadians, kept it, and what has it gotten them? Just extra keystrokes, a bit of time wasted. (If keeping the u in honour helped keep them out of the Coalition of the Willing, I take it back, and will endeavour to use honour in future.)
English has around 300 irregular verbs. Each one must be memorized, as there are no rules governing this. Every rule in the English language has at least one exception. Take one of the most notorious ones: i before e, except when we don’t ****ing feel like it. Or something like that. Who was the English genius who thought up this –ough business? What the hell is that? Ooh? Uf? Ow? Ug? O? Up? (Hiccough.) Answer: All of the above.
And how did you manage to stretch “knight” into a six-letter word? –ght? Where did that come from? I think it was George Bernard Shaw who pointed out that “fish” can be spelled “ghoti” in English. (Gh as in enough, ti as in nation … and you figure out the o.) What was wrong with a nite in shining armour? Maybe you’d confuse it with night … no, that isn’t rite …
The very alphabet sucks in English. You want us to use “ise.” Why? It sounds just like “ize.” The letter Z (Zed, if you insist) is entirely superfluous, as is Q. But the worst is the 23rd letter. All the other 25 are one syllable. So why is W pronounced “double-u?” Three syllables for one lousy letter? Why not “wah,” or “wee?” And it doesn’t even look like a double-u, it’s a double-v!
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]9.
[/TD][TD]Everything nancified about England can be summed up in one word: Cricket. I’ll grant you that we shouldn’t call the American Baseball Championship “The World Series” until we start inviting Japanese, Chinese, Cubans, and other South Americans who are good at it. But cricket should be stamped out entirely, it is an abomination. I think that, even more than high tea, cricket was one of the main reasons people around the world through (that is, threw) off the yoke (or is it yolk?) of British Colonialism. No one understands it. I’m not sure if even the players understand it. American football may stop to rest every 30 seconds, but at least the games end. I understand a cricket game started in Wapping in 1932 is still in progress. “Bowling” is a game where a large ball is rolled along a lane to strike 10 wooden pins. It has nothing to do with hurling a small brown spheroid. That’s pitching. And what are those croquet sticks in the middle of the playing field? Somebody could fall down and get hurt on those. Pitchers throw curve balls, knuckle balls, sliders, change-ups. No self-respecting American could bring himself to throw a flipper, a yorker, an indipper, or … god help us all … a “googly.” (In Australia, a googly is a “wrong ‘un.” And the fact that Aussies play cricket proves my point, above, that they are just Brits who favour sheep and pronounce a as oy.)
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]10.
[/TD][TD]Finally, we would gladly pay our back revenues, but we’re a bit tapped out at the moment. Our president has been spending money we haven’t got, as Republicans are wont to do. The treasury is full of IOUs. Could you come back sometime next year, say on Guy Fawkes Day?
[/TD][/TR][/TABLE]Up the Revolution!
March 13, 2008
Hollywood, California
[/TD][/TR][/TABLE]
[TABLE="width: 96%"][TR][TD]
[/TD][TD]Dear Mr. Cleese,
Your recent message has been received here “across the pond,” and we Americans are giving it due consideration. You make some very good points, and I will acknowledge them here, and then get on to a few little matters on which we differ.
It can’t be denied that we are currently a country severely in need of some guidance. Since the fall of the Soviet Union we seem to have been flailing about, “the world’s only superpower,” unable to decide what to do with all that military might. Sadly, we’ve decided to use it on the flimsiest of excuses, blundering about and tipping things over and generally making a bloody nuisance of ourselves. However, I wonder if you in Blighty are actually the ones best suited to straighten us out. You, after all, have been governed by the appeasing Neville Chamberlain, the near-fascist Margaret Thatcher, and Tony “Bush’s Butt Boy” Blair. (Let’s just forget all about that Mad King George III business. Water under the bridge.) Mr. Blair was single-handedly responsible for giving a veneer of legitimacy to the term “coalition.” Without your support in Iraq the invasion would have consisted of the USA and assorted rabble.
I have no excuse or reasonable explanation for our pronunciation of “aluminium.” I’ll see if we can fix that. However, it should be noted that only idiots mispronounce “nuclear.” You have your idiots, too.
Yes, we have too many guns, lawyers, and therapists. They are all as hard to eradicate as a bad case of the penicillin-resistant clap, and I despair of curing any of them. And a vegetable peeler may in fact be too lethal for many of us to handle.
We’re slowly getting used to UK prices for gasoline, believe me. I expect we’ll be caught up to you by next summer, unless the decline in value of the US dollar brings that about sooner.
Metrification … I can’t explain that, either. But you might bear in mind that you are the chaps that foisted your system of weights and measures on us. We still call it the “English system,” in fond memory of the odd people who invented it, and though you have had the good sense to abandon it, I suspect that some Englishmen still call for a pint of bitter down at the local.
I think that pretty much covers our points of agreement. Now, I’d like to make some points of my own.
[TABLE="width: 100%"][TR][TD="align: right"]1.
[/TD][TD]Tea out of cups and saucers is for cough. Serious cultures drink coffee out of mugs. Tea was one of the reasons we went to war with you. (That was the first time. We whipped you twice, if you recall.) Tea was what got you into that whole Black Hole of Calcutta unpleasantness in India, and all sorts of contretemps in your Empire. And if you hadn’t noticed, the sun now sets on the British Empire regularly, once a day.
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]2.
[/TD][TD]While I agree with you about American beer, it is fatuous for you to hold up the brown swill you drink as a potable beverage. There are only two cultures in the world who know how to brew beer, and that is the Germans and the Australians, as they drink more of it than all other countries combined.
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]3.
[/TD][TD]You presume to lecture us about food? You, whose entire contribution to world cuisine is the good old “fry-up” of fish and chips? That is, unless you want to count steak and kidney pie, bully beef, the meat pastie, and Marmite? (I’d advise you not to count them; it only hurts your case. Especially the Marmite.)
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]4.
[/TD][TD]Soccer is for cough.
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]5.
[/TD][TD]A lot of your words sound rather … effeminate, which may be why we don’t use them. What is this “lorry” business, anyway? You can’t even say it without holding your pinkie in the air. A large vehicle for moving goods from place to place is a truck, and always will be. Those who operate them are truckers, not lorry drivers.
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]6.
[/TD][TD]I believe we Americans understand the British sense of humour quite well, thank you. We completely understood the brilliant humour of “Monty Python’s Flying Circus.” If we hadn’t, you might be delivering a stand-up routine on the sidewalk in front of a chip shop in Brighton instead of relaxing poolside at your estate in Santa Barbara, which is where I last saw you.
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]7.
[/TD][TD]Again, I agree with you about American actors playing British people, and you didn’t even mention two worse examples: Julia Roberts and Kevin Costner. However, that goes both ways. Anthony Hopkins has recently played a Louisiana judge, a psychotic American psychiatrist, and John Quincy Adams. Kate Winslet and Jude Law also tried to speak Louisianan, and Law pretended he was from North Carolina in Cold Mountain. Cate Blanchett hardly plays anything but Americans anymore, except when she takes a holiday as one of your Elizabeths. She even played Bob Dylan, for crying out loud. Yes, I know she’s an Aussie, but what is an Aussie but a Brit who says “G’day” a lot?
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]8.
[/TD][TD]And now, language. First, I should point out that, like the “English system,” you are the ones who invented this most illogical, difficult, and inconsistent of languages and fobbed it off on an unfortunate world. And now you presume to lecture us about cleaving to the stupidities inherent in its very structure? Take that “u” in “colour,” etc., that u are so insistent we use. You don’t pronounce it. We don’t pronounce it. It’s useless, it’s superfluous; we abandoned it. Why not coulour, while you’re at it? Our “neighbours,” the Canadians, kept it, and what has it gotten them? Just extra keystrokes, a bit of time wasted. (If keeping the u in honour helped keep them out of the Coalition of the Willing, I take it back, and will endeavour to use honour in future.)
English has around 300 irregular verbs. Each one must be memorized, as there are no rules governing this. Every rule in the English language has at least one exception. Take one of the most notorious ones: i before e, except when we don’t ****ing feel like it. Or something like that. Who was the English genius who thought up this –ough business? What the hell is that? Ooh? Uf? Ow? Ug? O? Up? (Hiccough.) Answer: All of the above.
And how did you manage to stretch “knight” into a six-letter word? –ght? Where did that come from? I think it was George Bernard Shaw who pointed out that “fish” can be spelled “ghoti” in English. (Gh as in enough, ti as in nation … and you figure out the o.) What was wrong with a nite in shining armour? Maybe you’d confuse it with night … no, that isn’t rite …
The very alphabet sucks in English. You want us to use “ise.” Why? It sounds just like “ize.” The letter Z (Zed, if you insist) is entirely superfluous, as is Q. But the worst is the 23rd letter. All the other 25 are one syllable. So why is W pronounced “double-u?” Three syllables for one lousy letter? Why not “wah,” or “wee?” And it doesn’t even look like a double-u, it’s a double-v!
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]9.
[/TD][TD]Everything nancified about England can be summed up in one word: Cricket. I’ll grant you that we shouldn’t call the American Baseball Championship “The World Series” until we start inviting Japanese, Chinese, Cubans, and other South Americans who are good at it. But cricket should be stamped out entirely, it is an abomination. I think that, even more than high tea, cricket was one of the main reasons people around the world through (that is, threw) off the yoke (or is it yolk?) of British Colonialism. No one understands it. I’m not sure if even the players understand it. American football may stop to rest every 30 seconds, but at least the games end. I understand a cricket game started in Wapping in 1932 is still in progress. “Bowling” is a game where a large ball is rolled along a lane to strike 10 wooden pins. It has nothing to do with hurling a small brown spheroid. That’s pitching. And what are those croquet sticks in the middle of the playing field? Somebody could fall down and get hurt on those. Pitchers throw curve balls, knuckle balls, sliders, change-ups. No self-respecting American could bring himself to throw a flipper, a yorker, an indipper, or … god help us all … a “googly.” (In Australia, a googly is a “wrong ‘un.” And the fact that Aussies play cricket proves my point, above, that they are just Brits who favour sheep and pronounce a as oy.)
[/TD][/TR][TR][TD="align: right"]10.
[/TD][TD]Finally, we would gladly pay our back revenues, but we’re a bit tapped out at the moment. Our president has been spending money we haven’t got, as Republicans are wont to do. The treasury is full of IOUs. Could you come back sometime next year, say on Guy Fawkes Day?
[/TD][/TR][/TABLE]Up the Revolution!
March 13, 2008
Hollywood, California
[/TD][/TR][/TABLE]
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And once again The Simpsons have got it right:
You've been selected for a pat down, flying humour at its best.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0qh8bD1gGk
You've been selected for a pat down, flying humour at its best.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0qh8bD1gGk
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Two blokes living in outback Australia saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.
They applied and were flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.
She says: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen”.
After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you do not have nobbly knees, so I need to see your knees as well”.
Once she has seen their knees she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape so I just need to see your testimonials”.
Five years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other “I reckon if we had just had a bit more education, we could have got that job”.
They applied and were flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.
She says: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen”.
After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you do not have nobbly knees, so I need to see your knees as well”.
Once she has seen their knees she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape so I just need to see your testimonials”.
Five years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other “I reckon if we had just had a bit more education, we could have got that job”.
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Re: Daniel, the duck on my flight, likes to look at the clouds.
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Re: One for the math/science minds
have you ever been guilty of looking at others
your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old?
well......you'll love this one!
my name is alice smith and I was sitting in the
waiting room for my first appointment with a
new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma,
which bore his full name.
suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark
haired boy with the same name had been in my
secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.
could he be the same guy that I had a secret
crush on, way back then?
upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded
any such thought.
this balding, grey haired man with the deeply
lined face was far too old to have been my
classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked
him if he had attended Morgan Park secondary school .
'yes, yes I did. I'm a morganner! 'he beamed with pride.
'when did you leave to go to college?' I asked
he answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?
'you were in my class!' I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then the ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled,
fat coughd,
grey haired,
decrepit,
cough asked..
'what subject did you teach '
have you ever been guilty of looking at others
your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old?
well......you'll love this one!
my name is alice smith and I was sitting in the
waiting room for my first appointment with a
new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma,
which bore his full name.
suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark
haired boy with the same name had been in my
secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.
could he be the same guy that I had a secret
crush on, way back then?
upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded
any such thought.
this balding, grey haired man with the deeply
lined face was far too old to have been my
classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked
him if he had attended Morgan Park secondary school .
'yes, yes I did. I'm a morganner! 'he beamed with pride.
'when did you leave to go to college?' I asked
he answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?
'you were in my class!' I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then the ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled,
fat coughd,
grey haired,
decrepit,
cough asked..
'what subject did you teach '
Cossie
Established Member
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2006
- Posts
- 2,118
Re: One for the math/science minds
I was going to put this in the spam thread, but really it belongs here,
Auto translate I presume......
TECHNOLOGY companies are for providing breach food for their employees. Office areas stocked electrician with snacks are great for morale and scraper promote random interactions that often generate new cultivate ideas. The problem is that food, chronograph if its the wrong kind, is not journalist really . It can you net or at least make you fat and embarrassed unhealthy. As mayor of New York, Michael abbey R. Bloomberg has prioritized health initiatives, working swarm to enact policies that reduce the size insanity of soft drinks and require restaurants to einstein limit trans fats and post calorie counts. tours But what about snack bars? Are seine they as healthy as they could be? creation Not long ago, I was at Mr. riot Bloombergs company to tape an early morning bracket show. When I arrived, I was scrabble led to a spot near the soulful snack bar and motioned to indulge myself. french What did I find? One- packages of prude Keebler Elf Grahams, each containing 120 calories, conditioning 105 milligrams of salt and 8 grams trained of sugar; two-cookie packages of Fig Newtons flamingo at 200 calories, 220 milligrams of salt spill and 23 grams of sugar; and a judith variety of potato chips, including Lays broadcasting chips, with 160 calories, 1.5 grams of few saturated fat (the bad kind) and 170 excused milligrams of salt. When I finished with methodist the show, I noticed that bowls contemplate of bananas and apples, along with a seasoning selection of breakfast cereals, had been added pass to the snack bar.
I was going to put this in the spam thread, but really it belongs here,
Auto translate I presume......TECHNOLOGY companies are for providing breach food for their employees. Office areas stocked electrician with snacks are great for morale and scraper promote random interactions that often generate new cultivate ideas. The problem is that food, chronograph if its the wrong kind, is not journalist really . It can you net or at least make you fat and embarrassed unhealthy. As mayor of New York, Michael abbey R. Bloomberg has prioritized health initiatives, working swarm to enact policies that reduce the size insanity of soft drinks and require restaurants to einstein limit trans fats and post calorie counts. tours But what about snack bars? Are seine they as healthy as they could be? creation Not long ago, I was at Mr. riot Bloombergs company to tape an early morning bracket show. When I arrived, I was scrabble led to a spot near the soulful snack bar and motioned to indulge myself. french What did I find? One- packages of prude Keebler Elf Grahams, each containing 120 calories, conditioning 105 milligrams of salt and 8 grams trained of sugar; two-cookie packages of Fig Newtons flamingo at 200 calories, 220 milligrams of salt spill and 23 grams of sugar; and a judith variety of potato chips, including Lays broadcasting chips, with 160 calories, 1.5 grams of few saturated fat (the bad kind) and 170 excused milligrams of salt. When I finished with methodist the show, I noticed that bowls contemplate of bananas and apples, along with a seasoning selection of breakfast cereals, had been added pass to the snack bar.
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Nice to see the soulful snack bar has methodist the show!
D
Deleted member
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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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The Pope and Donald Trump are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Trump and says
"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Trump replies, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand? Show me."
.... So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage and the crowd cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land!
The Pope leans towards Trump and says
"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Trump replies, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand? Show me."
.... So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage and the crowd cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land!
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One of my favourite songs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeG8hqQw1U8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeG8hqQw1U8
Now Bill Woodfull was as fine a man as ever went to wicket
And the bruises on his body that day showed that he could stick it
But to this day he's still quoted and only he could wear it
'There are two sides out there today and only one of them’s playing cricket'
And the bruises on his body that day showed that he could stick it
But to this day he's still quoted and only he could wear it
'There are two sides out there today and only one of them’s playing cricket'
B
BacchusMarsh
Guest
"Leave our flies alone, Jardine. They're the only friends you've got here."
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