A bit of humour

[straitman]

A little girl asked her mother,

“How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered,

“God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered,

“Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,

“Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered,

“Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

 

[Major]

"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

 

[Hvr]

Oh so true.

 

[cove]

Mostly I receive stuff from my 87 year old American friend that is not suitable for anything but deleting. Here is one that is almost ok.

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said:
"Sex sex sex , wan free sex for tonigh "
I replied " Wow , you Chinese women are really hospitable!"
A guy standing near me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said:
What she really said was 666136429

 

[Major]

The AMA has weighed in on Treasurer Scott Morrison's proposed changes to Australia’s health services


The Allergists voted to scratch them, but the

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had gut feeling it was right, but the

Neurologists thought that he had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt he was labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered his policy to be short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled. "Over my dead body!" while the

Paediatricians exclaimed. "Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the ideas were madness, while the

Radiologists could see right through them.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of
the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the

Plastic Surgeons said. "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the

Urologists were pissed off with the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the ideas were a gas, while the

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to diagree.

In the end, the Proctologists looked into it and left the decision entirely up to the
coughholes in parliament!

 

[Buzzard]

Thanks @Major, I just sent as an SMS to my local Federal Labor MP. Hopefully he gets a laugh.

 

[straitman]

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German,

“What do you want on your back for your whipping?”,

The German responds, “I will take oil!”.

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?”

“I will take nothing!” says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

“What will you take on your back?” the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, “I’ll take the Mexican.”

 

[straitman]

A father passing by his teenage daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

“Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you’ll like him too – even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Dad, I’m pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.

Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn’t so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn’t stand in the way of our relationship, don’t you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It’s true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he’ll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuan_ doesn’t really hurt anyone and he’ll be growing it for us and we’ll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter.

At the bottom of the page were the letters ” PTO”.

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS:
Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbors house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.

I love you!
Your loving daughter,
Rosie

 

[TheRealTMA]

...

At the bottom of the page were the letters ” PTO”.

...

Looks like she was not actually doing very well at school since she can't spell in English/Australian!

 

[straitman]

A probate attorney discusses with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

‘To my loving wife, Abby, who always stood by me, I leave the house, yacht and three millions dollars,’ the attorney reads.

‘To my darling daughter, Kimberley, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the special car collection, the business and 2 million dollars.’

‘And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin Frederick, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.

Well, you were wrong. Hi Frederick!’

 

[straitman]

A young man who was about to have sex went to the drugstore to buy some condoms. It was his first time and he was rather anxious about it.

Luckily, the beautiful attendant at the cashier noticed and made sure the boy knew what he was doing.

“Do you know how to put it on?” She asked. The young man nodded and said it was his first time. The kind lady took it out and put the condom on her thumb to show the young man how to put it on.

Not convinced that the young man was prepared, she pulled him into the back room of the store for a more private lesson. She unbuttoned her blouse and asked him if it turned him on. The young man nodded with his mouth wide open.

“Good. Now put on the condom like I showed you,” the woman said. The man followed her to the letter. When he was ready, the lady pulled down her skirt and underwear and ushered him to make love to her.

After the man finished, the lady asked, “Did you put on the condom like you were supposed to?”

The young man, proud as he was, raised both his thumbs with condoms around them. “I sure did!”

 

[straitman]

There’s a new bull on the farm…

Three bulls hear the rancher is bringing another bull onto the ranch, and will most likely be reassigning cows to each one.

The first bull says to the others, “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”

“I’ve been here three years,” says the second bull, “and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”

“I’ve only been here a year,” the third bull says, “and so far, you guys have only let me have ten cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”

Just then, an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

Terrified, the bulls immediately change tack. “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend,” the first bull offers.

“I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument,” the second says.

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

“Son, don’t be foolish, let him have some of your cows and live to tell the tale,” the first bull urges.

“Hell, he can have all my cows, the third bull responds. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.”

 

[There'sOnlyOneJimmy]

 

[drron]

CNN get something right.

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[Bundy Bear]

I haven’t been an idiot for a few months now.

 

[Buzzard]

View attachment 120814

I haven’t been an idiot for a few months now.

Some things are best forgotten.

 

[Major]

THE VALUE OF A GOOD VOCABULARY

I called an old Buddy and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on, "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium, and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed.


upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

 

[Major]

A Nun, badly needing to use the toilet, walked into a local pub.


The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and, every once in a while, the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the Nun, the room went deadly silent.


She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet ?"


The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."


"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,"said the Nun.


So, the bartender showed the Nun to the back of the pub. After a few minutes, she came backout, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the Nun a loud round of applause.


She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the toilet ?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink ?"


"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled Nun.


"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the statue, the lights go out."

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[codash1099]