A bit of humour

[Hvr]

Male Self Examination For Alzheimer's Disease

It takes less than 15 seconds.....

If you are male and over 60 years of age you should take this test.

How fast can you guess these words and fill in the blanks?

1. _ _ N D O M
2. F _ _ K
3. P U _ S _
4. P _N _ S
5. S _ X
6. B O O _S

Correct Answers

1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS

The good news is:

You don't have Alzheimer's.
You are a pervert.

You changed the order of 3 and 4.

 

[Hvr]

My girlfriend was dating a circus clown before we met.


I have some pretty big shoes to fill

 

[Hvr]

I just got a job drilling for water

It's well boring

 

[cove]

Yes Hvr....I get confused as I get older.....

 

[Hvr]

Quasimodo got in trouble with the church elders for taking his Renault Clio to work and parking it outside.



The archbishop just wouldn't have it, even though Quasi referred to it as, 'The hatchback of Notre Dame.'

 

[Hvr]

A book fell on my head.


I can only blame my shelf.

 

[Hvr]

There was an explosion at a pie factory.



3.14 reported dead.

 

[Hvr]

What's white, wears glasses and lives at the bottom of the sea?

The Milky Bar squid.

 

[marki]

On the back of a German bus

View attachment 134846

I Mean its brilliant ......Just noticed BTW took me awhile.

 

[QF WP]

A number of people will be in trouble... (assuming it's not photoshopped)

Cathay Pacific on Twitter

 

[Captain Halliday]

From this week’s school newsletter. I hope NAPLAN didn’t ask the difference between a table and a graph!

 

[Major]

A high school teacher was arrested today at Sydney's Kingsford-Smith
International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At the press conference, the Attorney General said he believed the man was a
member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the AFP with carrying
weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer
to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of mediaeval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three
sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Federal Opposition Leader Bill Shorten
said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He
would have given us more fingers and toes."

Fellow Labor colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more
intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.

 

[Ikara]

A high school teacher was arrested today at Sydney's Kingsford-Smith
International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

.

Everything old is new again! That was the first joke posted in this thread back in 2006. Still funny though.

JB

 

[Hvr]

My professor accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

 

[Hvr]

As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing, our engineering is flawless.

 

[Major]

Two Irishmen were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him
and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger," I'm impressed by the effort you two
are putting into your work, but I don't get it:
why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind
and fill it up again? "

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, " Well, I suppose
it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick. "

 

[Quickstatus]

Name 3 magical creatures women are interested in?

 

[cosi]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT coughD,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

cough ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH '

 

[cosi]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!

Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living cough out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "

 

[Flashback]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!

Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living **** out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "

Sounds like more of a Scottish accent than an Irish!