A bit of humour

[Major]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

 

[TomVexille]

Police are on the trail of a serial killer who's murdered several victims using knitting needles. They believe he is following some kind of pattern.

Oh my, I've just finished reading @Hvr's jokes. Where does he get them?

Mike Larkin (Ch10 weatherman down here) used that one recently

 

[drron]

HVR you obviously have to think of your workplace.Your colleagues suffer from woolly thinking enough to needle you and have you in stitches.I am afraid you will end up totally knotted.

 

[Major]

A well-preserved 73 year old man is having a drink in a bar.

Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her.


After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.


Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:


“I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want £100, with only one condition”.


Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.


“You have to tell me what you want me to do, in just three words.”


The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.


He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 £10 notes in her outstretched hand.


He then looks her squarely in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:



"Paint my house."

 

[drron]

 

[drron]

 

[drron]

 

[drron]

 

[Captain Halliday]

Memo from Julie Bishop to Peter Dutton:

Dear Peter,
What grief you’ve caused. First the leadership spill and now granting Visas for mates.

I don’t know how many times I’ve told you, you’re not the Minister for Foreign Au Pairs.
Regards,
Julie

 

[Hvr]

Why can’t you fart in an Apple store??


There are no Windows!!

 

[Hvr]

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

Because you will get Jurasskicked!

 

[Hvr]

How many German men does it take to change a light bulb?




Several, because 'many Hans make light work'.

 

[Hvr]

 

[Hvr]

DEAR NEIGHBOUR:
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door.
I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this.

The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.

I haven't been getting it at home recently, & I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you.

Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE:
Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.



2ND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Fred.
Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

 

[juddles]

Speaking of braille, did you hear about the blind man who picked up a cheese grater? It was the most violent book he had ever read....

 

[Hvr]

Just had the car waxed.




I don’t why it keeps getting that hairy

 

[Hvr]

What do a birthday, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?



Men, they miss them all.

 

[cove]

Male Self Examination For Alzheimer's Disease

It takes less than 15 seconds.....

If you are male and over 60 years of age you should take this test.

How fast can you guess these words and fill in the blanks?

1. _ _ N D O M
2. F _ _ K
3. P U _ S _
4. P _N _ S
5. S _ X
6. B O O _S

 

[Hvr]

Apple were going to launch their latest product. The iboat , problem was it kept syncing!

 

[cove]

Correct Answers

1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PULSE
4. PANTS
5. SIX
6. BOOKS

The good news is:

You don't have Alzheimer's.
You are a pervert.