A bit of humour

[love_the_life]

 

[cosi]

 

[JohnK]

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whisky and...cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

________________

The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.

21.

________________

I invented a new word!

Plagiarism!

 

[love_the_life]

 

[Alyopsis]

 

[love_the_life]

 

[Ikara]

Some of Life's more important maxims!

WITZENBURG’S LAW OF AIRPLANE TRAVEL

The distance between the ticket counter and your plane is directly proportional to the weight of luggage you are carrying and inversely proportional to the time before take-off.

FIRST LAW OF AIR TRAVEL

Serving coffee in aircraft causes air turbulence

DIOGENES’S FIRST DICTUM

The more heavily a man is supposed to be taxed, the more power he has to escape being taxed.

DUGGAN’S LAW

For every PhD there is an equal and opposite PhD

PARKINSON’S LAW

It is a commonplace observation that work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

PARKINSON’S SECOND LAW

Expenditure expands to meet income.

PETER PRINCIPLE

Everyone rises to the level of their incompetence.

PETER’S SECOND COROLLARY

All work is accomplished by those employees that have not reached their level of incompetence.

MURPHY’S LAW

1. If anything can go wrong, it will

2. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems

3. Everything takes longer than you expect.

4. Left to themselves, things usually go from bad to worse

GOULD’S AXIOM

In any stock market situation, the public is generally wrong.

LUTEN’S LAW OF HOLIDAYS

When properly managed, holidays do not adversely affect productivity, because for every week you are away doing nothing, the boss also goes away, and you get twice as much done.

SMITH’S PRINCIPLES OF BUREAUCRATIC SUCCESS

1. Never use one word when a dozen will confuse

2. If it can be understood, it’s not finished

3. Never do anything for the first time

SHANAHAN’S LAW

The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people involved.

BROWN’S IRON LAW OF PROMOTION

The amount of publicity is in inverse ration to the quality of the product.

GREEN’S MAXIM FOR HIGHER EXECUTIVES

Being at the top is like being a football coach – you have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it’s important.

LOWREY’S LAW OF PROFICIENCY

Just when you get good at something – they no longer want you to do it.

JONE’S CREDIT PRINCIPLE

Machines should work – people should think.

HALE’S RULE

The sumptuousness of the company’s annual report is in inverse ratio to that years profit result.

GROSS’S LAW

When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person’s money – fraud will result.

DENNIS’S MANAGEMENT PRINCIPLE

1. To get action by management it is essential to create the illusion of a crisis.

2. Real crises are those that the management ignores.

3. In any crisis, management over reacts.

4. The squeaky hinge gets the oil.

CZECINSKI’S OBSERVATION

There is only one thing worse than dreaming you are at a conference and waking up to find that you are, and that is the conference where you can’t even fall asleep.

WOTHERSPOON’S RULES OF COMMITTEES

1. Never arrive on time – this stamps you as a beginner

2. Don’t do anything until the meeting is half over – this stamps you as wise

3. Be as vague as possible – this way you offend nobody and cannot be blames when things go wrong.

4. If asked your opinion, suggest a sub-committee be appointed or a report commissioned.

5. Always be first to move for an adjournment and a vote of thanks to the chairman – this way you will avoid further trouble and get an early drink, in return for which everyone will think you’re a good fellow.

CHEOP’S LAW

Nothing ever gets finished on time or within budget.

WISEMAN’S LAW OF BANK BALANCES

The bank’s balance will always be less than yours.

BUCY’S LAW

Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

BUCHWALD’S LAW

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

IRN’S LAW

The opportunity for bribery equals the plethora of legal requirements multiplied by the number of architects, builders and planners involved.

BRANCH’S LAW

In a time of grave concern, the bureaucracy will multiply even faster than it normally does.

BOREN’S PRINCIPLES OF BUREAUCRACY

1. When in doubt – mumble

2. When in trouble – delegate

3. When in charge – ponder

ACHESON’S RULE OF MEMOS

A memo is written not to inform, but to protect the sender.

UBELL’S LAW OF PRESS LUNCHEONS

At any PR lunch – the quality of the food is inversely proportional to the quality of the product.

COLIN’S LAW OF RESTAURANT ACOUSTICS

The decibel level of the conversation at the next table is inversely proportional to the quality of the thoughts.

O’DOYLE’S MAXIM

No matter how many executives share a cab – all of them will claim it on their expenses.

BUTLER’S LAW

All human progress is based on an innate desire by all organisms to live beyond their income.

FIRST RULE OF PUBLIC SPEAKING

Nice guys finish fast

 

[Ikara]

Feet on the bulkhead?? Not a patch on this one...........must be a contender for the worst passenger ever!!

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=2218421261814581

 

[JohnM]

Now that is class . I wonder is she was sitting there without them on .

 

[codash1099]

Now that is class . I wonder is she was sitting there without them on .

I wonder why she has to dry or air them!

 

[JohnM]

We're all wondering a multitude of things, I'm sure .

 

[love_the_life]

Sort of similar, quite a few years ago when SIL was in the midst of one of her numerous divorces, she flew from Mel to visit us for the weekend. Anyway, she had had quite a few drinks and by the time she realised that boarding was underway, they had just shut the door. A bit of pleading from her and QF managed to get her on the next Ansett flight (they used to do that then), but she had to run to the other terminal as the flight was leaving soon. On the way the elastic went. So she took off her knickers, shoved them in her bag and kept going. No knickers for the whole flight!

 

[trooper]

Sorry if it's a repeat...

Angela Merkel arrives in France. The Immigration officer asks "Occupation?', and she replies "No, just visiting".....

 

[Captain Halliday]

True story. Names omitted to protect the guilty party:

Tonight I was dining with two others at a buffet style restaurant.

It was a small place with tables reasonable close to each other.

One member of our party left their chair out each time they went to the buffet which other diners and staff had to keep pushing in.

We were having a giggle about it when the guilty party returned.

Guilty party: “What’s so funny?”

Me: “You keep leaving your chair out an people are running into it.” More giggling.

Guilty party: “I was born in a tent, leave me alone.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Guilty party: “The tent didn’t have any chairs!”

All three off us laughed our heads off for 30 seconds or more.

 

[drron]

 

[drron]

 

[drron]

 

[codash1099]

The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man.


Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from
Dublin to Boston , the lead flight attendant nervously made the following
painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there
has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how
this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and
unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for
this mistake and inconvenience."


When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else
can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our
10 hour flight


Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we
still have 40 dinners available."

 

[Hvr]

Did you hear about the thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

 

[Hvr]

I can't say that poop jokes are my favorite, but they're a solid number 2.