A bit of humour

[Ikara]

2 bloody days now, I've been sitting here in the Gatwick VIP lounge, waiting for Amazon's drone to deliver my neck pillow! If I'd known my flight was going to be delayed, I could have gone back for the one I left at home!

JB

 

[love_the_life]

For those who have been stuck in a supermarket queue at this time of the year

 

[drron]

 

[juddles]

A guy sees an ad in the paper: "Talking dog for sale - $10". Out of curiosity he chases this up, and visits the seller.

He gets to the house and the owner takes him to the backyard, where he shows him a labrador. The guy walks up to it and says "hello dog". The dog replies, in perfect speech, "Hello there back at you". He is amazed. He starts talking to the dog. They have a long conversation. He asks the dog how it can speak??! The dog explains that as a pup it realized it could understand humans, and then was able to talk. It worked in a circus for a while, before it was recruited by the CIA. Then as it got older it retired, and fell in to the hands of the current owner.

Absolutely stunned, the guy goes back to the owner and says "This is amazing! It really can talk!! Why are you selling him so cheap??"

The owner replies: "Because he is a f..king liar - he never worked for the CIA."

 

[juddles]

I heard this joke ages ago, and today someone yet again recounted it to me. It is a small world

 

[Hvr]

Too true, especially once you hit a certain age.

 

[Hvr]

Earlier in the year Winston lost an ear in an accident and so the doctors made a replacement from a pigs ear.

They made it look as normal as possible the same size as his other ear.
They said that he would need to return after a month for a check up and make sure everything was working properly.

He returns after a month and after the check up the doctor said everything seems to be working fine. Just as he was about to leave he turns to the doctor and said I keep getting this funny noise in my ear, do you know what it is?



And the doctor said it’s probably just some crackling.

 

[Hvr]

Saw my mate walking down the street the other day pulling a cabbage on a lead
I stopped him and asked why he was pulling a cabbage on the lead.
He looked down and said oh no the grocer told me it was a collie.

 

[Hvr]

 

[Hvr]

 

[Hvr]

Some for the golfers:

Number :10
Golfer: “I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”


Number : 9
Golfer: “I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: “Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."


Number : 8
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . You miss the ball much closer now.”


Number : 7
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: “Eventually."


Number : 6
Golfer: “You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . .That would be too much of a coincidence.”


Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction."
Caddy: “It's not a watch - it's a compass."


Number : 4
Golfer: “How do you like my game?"
Caddy: “It's very good - personally, I prefer golf."


Number : 3
Golfer: “Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: “The way you play, it's a sin on any day."


Number : 2
Golfer: “This is the worst course I've ever played on"
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”


And the Number : 1 . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: “That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir"

 

[Hvr]

I love this story. Lay down whatever irs bothering you, breathe in the fresh air and LISTEN to this story. Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch. I felt bad, and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost ... it's a man thing.

 

[Hvr]

To the person who stole my antidepressants,

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW!!

 

[Hvr]

I made a bed out of old magazines and now I have back issues.

 

[Hvr]

Did you know that crackers have returned to popularity after being a wafer awhile?

 

[Flashback]

@Hvr ... out! Don't come back till 2019 (my local time ).

 

[cosi]

 

[Jeffrey O'Neill]

a fun mother in law joke

 

[Jeffrey O'Neill]

this gave me a laugh

 

[Cruiser Elite]

Just gotta love the first one - not sure if posted before as I seldom visit: