A bit of humour
- Thread starter Maca44
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A lady was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly ones'
'That's cool' she said 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' she said.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'
'The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
'The third is 'What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So she went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.
The following morning, St Peter called upon her and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' she said, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the the lady and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, he returned and said...
'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
She replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy?'' 'Yes, Andy,'
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the lady, asked 'How in heaven's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the lady,........ 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'
And thus she was given permission to enter Heaven...
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly ones'
'That's cool' she said 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' she said.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'
'The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
'The third is 'What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So she went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.
The following morning, St Peter called upon her and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' she said, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the the lady and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, he returned and said...
'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
She replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy?'' 'Yes, Andy,'
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the lady, asked 'How in heaven's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the lady,........ 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'
And thus she was given permission to enter Heaven...
Flashback
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Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign on the door that read "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! " Inside he noticed a harmless old Dachshund asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," the manager replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused.
"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he said. "Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the manager replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," the manager replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused.
"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he said. "Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the manager replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
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“What is the definition of a dilemma?”
A student asked his English professor, “What is the definition of a dilemma?”
The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.”
“Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused naked young woman on one side and an
Excited gay man on the other. ”
“Who are you going to turn your back on?”
A student asked his English professor, “What is the definition of a dilemma?”
The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.”
“Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused naked young woman on one side and an
Excited gay man on the other. ”
“Who are you going to turn your back on?”
zenyattamondatta
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I guess one man’s humour is another’s repugnant outdated nonsense.
Flashback
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Sorry in advance.
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted', and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the cod again and he thought that perhaps he fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a coughtail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.' Where's Christian?' he asked.' He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.' Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. you're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back ' No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.' ...............
'I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian'
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted', and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the cod again and he thought that perhaps he fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a coughtail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.' Where's Christian?' he asked.' He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.' Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. you're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back ' No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.' ...............
'I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian'
Flashback
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A man walks into a bar and orders three whiskies. The barman pours one and says, 'Let me know when you want the next.'
But the man says, 'No, I’d like all three at once.'The barman pours two more drinks. The man slugs all three, pays and leaves.
This goes on every night for a week. Finally, the barman asks him why he orders three at a time.
The man says, 'When I left my home, many miles away, I promised my two brothers that whenever I had a drink, I’d order one for each of them too.'
He returns every night for a year. He and the barman get to know each other very well. Then, one day, the man orders only two whiskies.
This goes on for a couple of weeks, but the barman is afraid to ask if something has happened to one of the brothers.
Finally, he summons up the courage to say, 'I noticed you’ve been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything OK with your brothers?'
The man looks at the barman, puzzled, then realises what he’s implying.
He smiles and says, 'Yes! My brothers are fine .....
...... but I've become teetotal.'
But the man says, 'No, I’d like all three at once.'The barman pours two more drinks. The man slugs all three, pays and leaves.
This goes on every night for a week. Finally, the barman asks him why he orders three at a time.
The man says, 'When I left my home, many miles away, I promised my two brothers that whenever I had a drink, I’d order one for each of them too.'
He returns every night for a year. He and the barman get to know each other very well. Then, one day, the man orders only two whiskies.
This goes on for a couple of weeks, but the barman is afraid to ask if something has happened to one of the brothers.
Finally, he summons up the courage to say, 'I noticed you’ve been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything OK with your brothers?'
The man looks at the barman, puzzled, then realises what he’s implying.
He smiles and says, 'Yes! My brothers are fine .....
...... but I've become teetotal.'
Flashback
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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said......
'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..'
Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said......
'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..'
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MORAL DILEMMA
Are you as moral as you think you are?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Queensland, Shute Harbour to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
Somehow the man looks familiar.
You suddenly realise who it is.
It's Bill Shorten !!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:
You can save the life of Bill Shorten or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the Labour’s most powerful men hell bent on hell, destruction and power
THE QUESTION:
Please give an honest answer.
"Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"
Are you as moral as you think you are?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Queensland, Shute Harbour to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
Somehow the man looks familiar.
You suddenly realise who it is.
It's Bill Shorten !!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:
You can save the life of Bill Shorten or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the Labour’s most powerful men hell bent on hell, destruction and power
THE QUESTION:
Please give an honest answer.
"Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"
mrs.dr.ron
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Captain Halliday
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While assisting with homework tonight I had cause to google about the names and ports that appear on the back of ships.
First search result:
Turns out it’s photoshopped, but still gave me a chuckle after a long day.
First search result:
Turns out it’s photoshopped, but still gave me a chuckle after a long day.
mrs.dr.ron
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I'm giving up Autocorrect for Lint.
Bundy Bear
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One for HVR
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How’s the arm BB?
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codash1099
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Don’t encourage him
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