A bit of humour

[Maca44]

Had a few drinks last night and fell through the screen wire door onto the balcony.
Doctor said it looks like I might have strained my back

 

[p--and--t]

A couple weeks before xmas, Teri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite bible stories.

She was puzzled by Kyle's picture which showed four people on an plane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle

"I see...And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,"

Ms. Teri said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"

 

[Scr77]

I’ve been waiting on a refund for cancelled accommodation. Does anyone speak autocorrect?

 

[JessicaTam]

I’ve been waiting on a refund for cancelled accommodation. Does anyone speak autocorrect?


View attachment 205461

On a related matter (sort of)... Yesterday I got an email from Falls Creek resort inviting me to the Longest Lunch. The went to great lengths to tell me about the location, the food, and the wine. No mention of the date!

 

[Major]

 

[love_the_life]

For the cat lovers

 

[Deleted member]

A couple weeks before xmas, Teri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite bible stories.

She was puzzled by Kyle's picture which showed four people on an plane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle

"I see...And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,"

Ms. Teri said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"

That takes me back.
This is a “True story” my youngest brother came home from Sunday school and mum asked what he had done that day.
He said they learnt about the birth of baby Jesus , and all of the people who were there.
She asked who were there, he said : “there were shepherds and 3 wise men, Frank and Merv, and I can’t remember the other guy’s name”

 

[drron]

Our son went to a Catholic preschool.One day he and his friend were obviously misbehaving.The nun asked him what he was doing.His reply-Sister isn't god everywhere.
Nun-Yes.
Well sister just ask him.
True story but worth a laugh.Mrsdrron and I could barely contain ourselves.

 

[Tropic]

For the cat lovers
View attachment 205473

A cat burgler...

 

[love_the_life]

I think I've told this before but one of my students told her parents that I was a prostitute (they were quite surprised). What I had said was that I was a protestant and that was why I didn't make the Sign of the Cross.

 

[p--and--t]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little cough. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 cougher Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. *** And the WINNER is.. *** FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer. No longer needed; got married last month. Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!

 

[p--and--t]

The Afterlife A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact. 'Mary. Mary.' 'Is that you, Fred? ' 'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.' 'What's it like?' 'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, then off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, off to the golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.. ' 'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven..' 'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Somerset .'

 

[p--and--t]

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

 

[Hvr]

A few years ago I volunteered to help out building a well in an African village.
I was kicked out after I shortened the rope that they used to collect water.

It didn't go down well.

 

[Hvr]

 

[Hvr]

 

[Hvr]

My wife's always on at me, the latest moan was, she told me I have no sense of direction!!

I'd had enough, so I packed my bags and right.

 

[Hvr]

A mate of mine got knocked down last week by a bloke in a hire car... I said how are you now ,,

he said "it still hertz"

 

[Hvr]

It had been a bitterly cold night and the farmer went out to round up his cows for milking, only to find them all frozen solid, motionless; like statues.
He never thought anything like this could happen.

With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know that was?"

"No" said the farmer "who?"

"That was Thora Hird."

 

[Hvr]

What is invisible and smells of carrots?

Rabbit farts....