A bit of humour

[Hvr]

There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"


And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

 

[coriander]

Police have arrested a 44-year-old man, who allegedly stole garden ornaments, such as gnomes from residents in Dimboola, Horsham, Warracknabeal, Nhill, Kaniva and Jeparit.

After a house was searched in Nhill today, police say they have concrete evidence.

 

[Hvr]

I just saw a sheep wearing a swimming costume driving a car.


I'm sure it was a Lamb Bikini

 

[Hvr]

What do houses eat when their rooms smell?












Apartmints.

 

[Hvr]

My mate is a farmer and when he got home from the pub last night his wife had left him and taken the tractor.





She’d left him a John Deere letter.

 

[Hvr]

Sat next to Elton John in a restaurant, and he kicks off because the waiter served him iceberg lettuce.
The manager comes over and asks what the problem is.


Don't you know I'm a rocket man.

 

[Hvr]

A nun goes in to see her Mother Superior one morning and says “Mother Superior I have come to confess that whilst playing golf yesterday I blasphemed and took the name of the Lord in vain”

The MS said “sit down my child and tell me what happened”

“Well I was just driving off the 14th tee and as the ball took flight it hit an overhead cable and fell about fifty yards from the tee”

“And that is when it happened my child?”

“No, then a rabbit ran out and ran away with the ball”

“So that’s when it happened”

“No, then an eagle came down and swept the rabbit away”

“Amazing, so you swore then didn’t you”

“No, the rabbit was struggling and dropped the ball which landed two feet from the hole”

The Mother Superior went silent and looked her in the eye, after a short pause she said.



“You missed the putt didn’t you”

 

[coriander]

Some clown held the door open for me this morning.

I thought to myself "that was a nice jester".

 

[daft009]

A Dubliner is drinking Guinness in a bar. A man of Asian ethnicity sits next to him and has a couple of drinks. After a while the Dubliner turns to him and says, “Do you know them martial arts, Kung Fu, Taekwondo, Judo and such?”

Offended, the man replies, “Are you asking me this because I look Chinese?”

“No.” says the Irishman, “Because yer drinkin’ me fookin Guinness!”

 

[codash1099]

I have CDO.

It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.

 

[codash1099]

A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Aussies just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

the "jokes" have started !! maybe too soon !!

 

[JessicaTam]

View attachment 205659

Why is that in the humour thread?

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

Why is that in the humour thread?

Well I did say it was maybe too soon for those jokes dont blame me I got it off FB !!

 

[JessicaTam]

Well I did say it was maybe too soon for those jokes dont blame me I got it off FB !!

I was quoting the "middle age" post you made. It was far too real for me!

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

I was quoting the "middle age" post you made. It was far too real for me!

Ha Ha ... I was 10/12 for that one !!!

 

[JohnM]

 

[tgh]

Darwin Awards :

THE WINNER! [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber rounds or cartridges from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting a round, the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the round apparently overheated, discharged and the bullet of the round struck Poole in the testicl_s. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicl_s, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Poole's wife Lavinia asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck

 

[daft009]