A bit of humour

[Hvr]

 

[Hvr]

North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.


If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

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The wife Just asked me if I had any fantasies..

I said, "I've got this one where we pretend that we're complete strangers and have never met".

She said "What, and you pick me up in some bar?".

I said, "No..Just the first bit".

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My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has been my Achilles elbow.

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What can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
The P is silent.

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I once threw a ball for my dog. Bit extravagant but it was his birthday and he looked great in his dinner jacket.

 

[Hvr]

I don't believe it when they say you can keep a turkey in the freezer for months.
I put one in last night and now its dead

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There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people.
Push and pull.

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Two cowboys are riding through the badlands when they spot what looks like a tree covered in bacon.

They get closer and one of them dismounts and goes up for a closer look, but shots ring out and he falls to the ground, dead. As his partner later recalled, it wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

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Someone's stolen all the bus stop signs from our street.
Where do these people get off?


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I've just been attacked by a little ginger boy doing martial arts!

It turned out to be the carroty kid.

 

[Hvr]

I started my new job as a clairvoyant next week.

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Whenever my wife is upset i let her colour in my tattoos.
She just needs a shoulder to crayon.
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[Hvr]

The French customs officer confiscated my crate of snails and now I have less cargo.

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I recently took a pole
Turns out 100% of people in the tent were unhappy when it collapsed

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My mate's called Kelvin.
How cool is that?

Post automatically merged: Aug 15, 2021

 

[Hvr]

I went to a shop today and the sign on the door handle read, 'SHOVE.'
I thought, "So, Push has come to Shove has it."


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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

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Is Karl Marx's tomb a communist plot?

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Post automatically merged: Aug 15, 2021

 

[SydneySwan]

I always find the first 6 weeks of a 7 day lockdown the worst.

 

[Hvr]

Recently, my wife and I got a stuffed elephant for our living room.
"It'll be great!" I said. "It'll be a huge talking point at our dinner party this weekend."
But nobody mentioned it.

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[straitman]

 

[JessicaTam]

View attachment 255682

@admin, can we please, please, please have a 'groan' button?

 

[Major]

 

[coriander]

I've been trying to come up with a joke about momentum
...... but I just can't seem to to get it going.

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What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are always over a dollar, whereas deer nuts are always under a buck.

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I remember asking my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed.
Neither he nor his 28 siblings had an answer.

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[coriander]

You're only as old as you feel....... I must be a teenager:

" I'm spending my 70th birthday the same way I spent my 17th: with a 9pm curfew "

 

[Cruiser Elite]

 

[Cruiser Elite]

 

[codash1099]

 

[Hvr]

 

[codash1099]

 

[TheRealTMA]

 

[TheRealTMA]