A bit of humour

[simongr]

No need to split - back to the humour time

 

[bossreggie]

So Roberta Williams pops into Barwon prison to visit Carl...... Geez she says..... you've tubbed up.... You need to do something about it.... A bloody exercise bike won't kill you!!

Shaun

 

[straitman]

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled, “F - - k me!!”

….what happened next, will haunt me forever!![FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]

 

[codash1099]

As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in emails, BUT this one is important. It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million people.
We don't want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it on.

Please keep it going!

To show your support for Kevin Rudd please go to the end of the list and add your name.




1. Mrs Rudd.
2.

 

[Dee Thom]

Confucius Says:

A lion will not betray his wife,
but a Tiger Wood !

O.K. stop groaning.................

Cheers Dee

 

[samh004]

Confucius Says:

A lion will not betray his wife,
but a Tiger Wood !

O.K. stop groaning.................

Cheers Dee

There’s a page full of those jokes a few clicks back, about the time the story first broke.

 

[Dee Thom]

A driver is stuck on the Freeway.
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly, a bloke knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks,
"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have just kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Wayne Swan, Anna Bligh, and Julia Gillard. They're asking for a $310 million ransom, otherwise they'll douse them with petrol and set them on fire in thirty minutes time."
" We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver of the car asks,"How much is everyone giving on average ?"
"About two litres."

Cheers Dee.

 

[Dee Thom]

There’s a page full of those jokes a few clicks back, about the time the story first broke.

Sorry to offend samh004, but I don't have time to go back checking the past 20 odd pages, nodoubt others may have missed it at the time, and enjoy it now!
Trust the next one is up to standard................

Cheers Dee

 

[samh004]

Sorry to offend samh004, but I don't have time to go back checking the past 20 odd pages, nodoubt others may have missed it at the time, and enjoy it now!
Trust the next one is up to standard................

Cheers Dee

You didn’t offend, but time and time again you will notice when duplicates have been posted, one member or another has said, oh, that has been posted before. Especially in this thread. I was simply pointing it out, there’s a whole load of them.

If you never have time to read a thread, or search a thread, you’ll always be posting the same information. There’s a reason there are search boxes on the site. Though I will admit, the search has been pretty terrible lately

Regardless, from what I can see, and I didn’t go back far, the joke doesn’t seem to have been posted before, or if it has, it was deleted.

 

[Hvr]

Last month a world survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was :
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what “shortage” meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

 

[drron]

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in
your luggage without your knowledge?” I replied, “If it
was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He
smiled knowingly and nodded. “That’s why we ask.”​

 

[codash1099]

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

 

[drron]

Blonde Body Ache​

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s
office and said that her body hurt wherever she
touched it. ‘Impossible!’ says the doctor. ‘Show me.’
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left​

shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow​

and screamed even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she
pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she​

touched made her scream.​

The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?
‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’​

‘I thought so,’ the doctor said. ‘Your finger is broken.’

 

[anat0l]

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in
your luggage without your knowledge?” I replied, “If it
was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He
smiled knowingly and nodded. “That’s why we ask.”​

*smart aleck response*

"Well sir, if you arrived at the airport and opened up your bag before you got to this counter, and found an object that was in there that you didn't pack and didn't see getting packed or you were not informed that it was packed, then you would have something in your luggage that someone put there and you didn't know about it.

That's why we ask."

:mrgreen:

 

[anat0l]

One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

That's not really humour, just rather a snide way for the boss to say, "I want a status report and I want it now".

 

[medhead]

Confucius Says:

A lion will not betray his wife,
but a Tiger Wood !

Cheers Dee

Confucious say man who go to bed with itching bottom wake up with smelly finger

 

[straitman]

Finally .. my kind of IT!!!

 

[Mal]

Michael O'Leary walks into a pub in Dublin and asks for a pint of Guinness.
That'll be 1 Euro 50, says the barman.
That's really good value, says Michael.
Yes, the barman replies. Now, will you be wanting a glass with that?

 

[Maca44]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.

Then try 25-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

 

[Dee Thom]

If money is the root of all evil, why do Churches beg for it?

Where the hell is easy street?

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

I am not an alcoholic, I'M A DRUNK, alcoholics go to meetings!

The shortest sentence is "I am"
The longest is "I do"

Cheers Dee