A bit of humour

[anat0l]

Can't seem to find this anywhere in the forum (either that or good ol' Forum/Thread Search is not giving me what I want to see). So, I present to you:

YouTube - How to Shower: Women vs. Men

You may not want to view this at work unless you are shut out from all prying eyes.

 

[codash1099]

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad
walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting
a divorce.

"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.

"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother and I are no
longer in love."

Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does
being in love mean?"

"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a
husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace
and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost
that love."

"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times
right when you come home, so she must still be in love
with you."

"I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently
been excited when I arrive home from work?"

"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed
with the neighbour, and you pull into the driveway, she
shouts at the top of her lungs, 'My husband's home! My
husband's home!"

 

[straitman]

Turner Brown.

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cough, 3 pounds of testicl_s, Turner Brown.'

The little white guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch cough, my testicl_s weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white guy says:

'Turner Brown?!...Thank heavens!!! I thought you said, 'Turn around!'

 

[samh004]

The little white guy says:

'Turner Brown?!...Thank heavens!!! I thought you said, 'Turn around!'

Ahh a classic joke

 

[anat0l]

Old one from my high school years - a true story (no I was not the student):

English Teacher: "Today we're going to learn about the different forms of irony. The first type is called 'verbal irony'. Can anyone give me an example of verbal irony?"
Student: "You're a good teacher."

 

[drron]

John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
she writes him a cheque.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call.

 

[Mal]

Iceland. First they go bankrupt & now they set their island on fire. Anyone smell insurance scam?

 

[Dee Thom]

Honk if you love Jesus.

Text while you drive if you want to meet him

Cheers Dee

 

[Dee Thom]

A mother and her five year old son were flying VIRGIN BLUE from Maroochy to Sydney. The son asked his mother, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes ?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the flight attendantand asks " If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes ?"
The flight attendant said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me ?"
"Yes " said the boy, "Well please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because VIRGIN BLUE always pulls out on time."

Cheers Dee

 

[straitman]

[FONT=&quot]Nominated as the best short joke of the year.

[/FONT] A 3-year-old boy examined his testicl_s while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'



'Not yet,' she replied.
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

 

[anat0l]

Funny Fotos....or Phunny Photos

I had to scale these down for convenience purposes - feel free to ask for full resolution photos.


Auckland International Airport
Driver on the left to the right: "I don't know about you, but your client hasn't showed up yet. Looks like you're out of a job, tonight."

And now I present to you, various Blue Screen of Death errors on the road. Yes, the world of travel does use Windows from time to time...

Roma Termini Railway Station


Bangkok Suvarnabhumi Airport

 

[Flashback]

Is it true that the Windows operating system was copied from the computer on the UFO that crashed at Roswell in 1947? — I am only sure that those UFOs that didn't crash had other operating systems.

 

[futaris]

[video=youtube;voTYHtezv4I]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voTYHtezv4I[/video]

 

[samh004]

car flies at airport toll booth

munitalP made a separate thread about this the other day.

http://www.frequentflyer.com.au/community/playground/flight-car1-leaves-dfw-but-23537.html

 

[samh004]

I don’t think there’s a way to search for images, so don’t know if this has been posted before, but got it in an email today.

IF THE TOILET PAPER SNAPS OFF INSIDE WOULD YOU…

PUT YOUR FINGER IN TO GET IT?

 

[codash1099]

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to
him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most
stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.

He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said.
"It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes
with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

 

[codash1099]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.

"Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this cough," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something.

"A bowl of home-made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "It's this cough," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food.

"Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple of minutes."

He declines. "It's this cough," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"

 

[Flashback]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.

"Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this cough," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something.

"A bowl of home-made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "It's this cough," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food.

"Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple of minutes."

He declines. "It's this cough," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"

I giggled.

 

[straitman]

For all you Collingwood supporters out there :!:

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie rules and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood.

He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.

Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Essendon with only 10 minutes left.

The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!

The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time.'

The young Iraqi is very upset.

'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'

'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'

 

[codash1099]

Poor Johnson had spent his life making wrong decisions.

If he bet on a horse, it would lose; if he chose one elevator rather
than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors; the
line he picked before the bank teller's cage never moved; the lane he
chose in traffic crawled; the day he picked the picnic was the day of a
cloudburst; and so it went, day after day, year after year.

Then, once, it became necessary for Johnson to travel to some city a
thousand miles away and do it quickly.

A plane was the only possible conveyance that would get him there in
time, and it turned out that only one company supplied only one flight
that would do.

His heart bounded. There was no choice to make! And if he made no
choice, surely he could come to no grief.

He took the plane.

Imagine his horror when, midway in the flight, the plane's engines
caught fire and it became obvious the plane would crash in moments.

Johnson broke into fervent prayer to his favourite saint , Saint
Francis. He pleaded, "I have never in my life made the right choice. Why
this should be, I don't know, but I have borne my cross and have not
complained. On this occasion, however, I did not make a choice; this was
the only plane I could take and I had to take it. Why, then, am I being
punished?"

He had no sooner finished when a giant hand swooped down out of the
clouds and somehow snatched him from the plane.

There he was, miraculously suspended two miles above the earth's
surface, while the plane spiralled downward far below.

A heavenly voice came down from the clouds. "My son, I can save you, if
you have in truth called upon me."

"Yes, I called on you," cried Johnson. "I called on you, Saint Francis!"

"Ah," said the heavenly voice, "Saint Francis Xavier or Saint Francis
of Assisi. Which?"