A bit of humour
- Thread starter Maca44
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I think that it is quite apropriate.
codash1099
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A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
"Honey?"
"Yes, darling?"
"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."
"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"
"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for Pete's sake, give me more than one!"
"Honey?"
"Yes, darling?"
"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."
"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"
"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for Pete's sake, give me more than one!"
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STOP PRESS
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Police in Auckland just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2,000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroi_ $50 million in forged NZ banknotes and 25 trafficked Thai prostitutes all in a semi- detached house behind the Public Library in Manukau
City.
Local residents were stunned !!
A community Maori elder said,
"We're shocked. We never knew we had a bloody Library!!"
[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="] Police in Auckland just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2,000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroi_ $50 million in forged NZ banknotes and 25 trafficked Thai prostitutes all in a semi- detached house behind the Public Library in Manukau
City.
Local residents were stunned !!
A community Maori elder said,
"We're shocked. We never knew we had a bloody Library!!"
[/FONT]
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Australian Humor
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit New Zealand .
Two million Kiwis died and over a million injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Britain is sending supplies.
Latin American countries are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
Australia, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Kiwis.
God Bless Australian generosity!
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit New Zealand .
Two million Kiwis died and over a million injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Britain is sending supplies.
Latin American countries are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
Australia, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Kiwis.
God Bless Australian generosity!
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1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuan_, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly... They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start!
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17... So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.. .’
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat cough!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23.. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuan_, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly... They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start!
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17... So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.. .’
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat cough!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23.. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
anat0l
Enthusiast
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- Dec 30, 2006
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- 11,645
The free newspaper, mX, distributed in quite a few capital cities of Australia, has a section in their "opinions" section (mX Talk) called "Overheard". It basically contains snippets of weird, wonderful, woeful or just plain funny/silly things that listeners have heard others say and have sent these into the paper. Here are some of them:
- Girl to friend: "What's the circumference of a square?"
- Guy to friend: "I hate applying for jobs. I just want to be headhunted - but not like a terrorist."
- Girl 1: "I had a blood test today."
Girl 2: "How did you go?"
Girl 1: "What do you mean?"
Girl 2: "Did you study for it?" - Girl: "How do they make tissues out of aloe vera?"
- Commuter: "For some reason this train smells like a plane."
- Girl to friend who almost falls off train seat: "Woah, be careful. You need to use your butt muscles to clench onto the seat so you don't fall off."
- Girl: "If apples were a vegetable, they'd be my favourite vegetable."
- Train Driver: "Apologies for the delay at this station, due to a problem with the signals that has only been an issue for 16 years. It has now been reported, again, but will never be fixed. Once again, apologies for the delay on account of incompetent railway service."
- Guy: "We should start farming kangaroos instead of cows."
Girl: "But then we would have no bacon." - Girl: "Please don't pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist."
- Guy 1 on train: "Where are we?"
Mate: "We're on a train, you idiot!"
Guy 1: "Yeah, but are we anywhere near where we are?"
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A man walked into a bar… ouch!
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A young child has been rushed by ambulance to hospital with five toy horses jammed up his backside. Doctors have described his condition as stable.
anat0l
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More "Overheard" courtesy of mX Brisbane. Mostly cringe-worthy today - I recommend applying a pillow or soft pad to your forehead before reading (if you are the kind that tends to face palm):
- Guy: "What date is your birthday?"
Girl: "Same day as yours."
Guy: "Isn't it funny how my birthday is on the same day as yours every year?" - Girl to friends: "My words come out faster than I can speak."
- Woman on phone: "This train is so packed and the guy behind me is so close to my cough that if I was to let one rip he would think it was a breath of fresh air."
- Girl: "Do you know why the train has stopped for so long?"
Boy: "I think it's refuelling."
For the uninformed, all QR metro passenger trains are electric. - Platform announcement after a 15-minute delay: "Just to let you all know, due to a rostering malfunction we do not actually have a driver at the moment."
- Girl: "She bought this handbag that was sooo expensive! I was, like, you could buy a baby for that much."
- Girl 1: "There should be gloves for your feet."
Girl 2: "Yeah, they're called socks."
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Confused!
I became very confused when I heard the word "service" used with these:
Tax Office 'Service'
Australian Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
CableTV'Service'
City, State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Public Transport 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of themsaid he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those people are doing to us.
I became very confused when I heard the word "service" used with these:
Tax Office 'Service'
Australian Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
CableTV'Service'
City, State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Public Transport 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of themsaid he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those people are doing to us.
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Justice in Perth
(A seven-year old boy was at the centre of an Perth courtroom drama when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Eagles Football team, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone this year.
(A seven-year old boy was at the centre of an Perth courtroom drama when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Eagles Football team, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone this year.
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I have a whole host of those that I could post though they are not all about Flashware. :shock:A Flashware walks into a bar... you thought he would have seen it.
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Dee Thom
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- Aug 2, 2006
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My Resume:
1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but it was to exhausting.
5. Had a go at being a chef, figured it would add spice to my life, but I didn't have thyme.
6.My best job was a Musician, but found I wasn't noteworthy.
7. I studied to be a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
8.Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was to draining.
9. I went to Uni to study and got a job as a Historian, then I realized there was no future in it.
10. My last job was working in The Coffee Club, but quit because it was a grind.
So I tried Retirement and found I'm perfect for the job !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cheers Dee
1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but it was to exhausting.
5. Had a go at being a chef, figured it would add spice to my life, but I didn't have thyme.
6.My best job was a Musician, but found I wasn't noteworthy.
7. I studied to be a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
8.Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was to draining.
9. I went to Uni to study and got a job as a Historian, then I realized there was no future in it.
10. My last job was working in The Coffee Club, but quit because it was a grind.
So I tried Retirement and found I'm perfect for the job !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cheers Dee
A Flashware walks into a bar... you thought he would have seen it.
a baby fur seal walks into a club
hvb
B
bossreggie
Guest
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast
when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the
Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.[FONT="]
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and
carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when
suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck
are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld
[/FONT]
when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the
Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.[FONT="]
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and
carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when
suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck
are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld
[/FONT]
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