A bit of humour

[QF WP]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a root!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out 'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!!

 

[QF WP]

Without warning he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.

"You can board your flight now."

 

[Ikara]

All things being equal, this link should take you to a file on my 4shared account called "Help me make it to my Flight". Quite funny and well done. Enjoy.

JB

HelpYouMakeItToYourFlight.wmv - 4shared.com - file sharing - download movie file

 

[QF WP]

Yes, the link works Ikara. Nice addition to my post above

 

[straitman]

They have started already

A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"

The madam replies $60.

"Wow, what do I get for that," he says.

She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia shirt.

 

[QF WP]

A bloke goes into a brothel and says,

“ I’m a bit kinky , how much for total humiliation?”

The madam replies that will cost $60

“Wow , what do I get for that?” he says

She says “A baggy green cap and an Australian cricket shirt.”

 

[serfty]

A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"

The madam replies $60.

"Wow, what do I get for that," he says.

She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia shirt.

A bloke goes into a brothel and says,

“ I’m a bit kinky , how much for total humiliation?”

The madam replies that will cost $60

“Wow , what do I get for that?” he says

She says “A baggy green cap and an Australian cricket shirt.”

.... hmmm ... a little double up there I suppose ....

So as not to waste this post completely:

A group was playing the last hole and the last golfer hooked his tee-shot into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared dishevelled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours"

That was the last thing he could remember.

 

[QF WP]

Whoops , that'll teach me to remember who sent me jokes AND to check to see if they've already posted to AFF

 

[Ikara]

Such is Life........................

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making bikie steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it
down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to
see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was
late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I
found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my
wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the
gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy
a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the coughnic dissolve.
Then some jack-cough shows up and drinks the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

[QF WP]

That's good - love it Ikara

 

[straitman]

A Poms attempt at humour!

Q. What does Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Australian batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What’s the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q: What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
A: The entire Australian innings.

Q. What do Ponting and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q: How should the Australian coach reshuffle the Australian batting order?
A: Move Extras up the order

Q: When would Ponting have 100 runs against his name?
A: When he is bowling.

Q: Where do Australian Batsman perform their best?
A: In Advertisments.


Ring Ring.....[FONT=&quot]

Hello - Australian team dressing room
Hello mate...Can I speak to Ricky Ponting please.
Sorry mate - he's just gone out to bat
It's OK - I'll hold.

[/FONT]

 

[anat0l]

A doctor has just examined a man and has a grim look on his face. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have a form of cancer that has no cure. It's so obscure it doesn't even have a name. We call it D-24. I'm so sorry."

The man is extremely sad, so he goes to the local pub for a couple of stiff drinks. He heads over to the pokies and has a go at one machine. His first press yields the top prize. After getting paid for that machine he goes back to another one. Once again, his first press and the machine rings up jackpot.

After the attendant goes to verify his latest win, she remarks, "My goodness aren't you a lucky bloke!"

"You gotta be kidding me," he retorts, "I got D-24."

"D-24? Strewth you are lucky! You've won the chook raffle!"

 

[anat0l]

A young lad was recently hired for a construction project. His older work mates couldn't stand the arrogant boy who continually boasted his physique and strength.

One of the old guys finally decided to teach him a lesson. "Oy, how about you put your money where your mouth is. I'll bet you $100 that I can carry something in this wheelbarrow 100m all the way across to the other side of this construction site that you can't."

The young boy, thinking that this old man must be out of his mind, quickly agreed, "Alright yer old codger. You're on!"

"Rightio," the old man replies, "Get in."

 

[anat0l]

As they say in Monty Python, "And now for something totally different..."

 

[codash1099]

Re: A Poms attempt at humour!

Q. What does Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Australian batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What’s the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q: What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
A: The entire Australian innings.

Q. What do Ponting and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q: How should the Australian coach reshuffle the Australian batting order?
A: Move Extras up the order

Q: When would Ponting have 100 runs against his name?
A: When he is bowling.

Q: Where do Australian Batsman perform their best?
A: In Advertisments.


Ring Ring.....[FONT=&quot]

Hello - Australian team dressing room
Hello mate...Can I speak to Ricky Ponting please.
Sorry mate - he's just gone out to bat
It's OK - I'll hold.

[/FONT]

Cricket Australia have announced a new sponsorship deal with Oxo . In future the cubes will be wrapped in green and gold foil and will be re-named ' Laughing Stock

The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to RickyPonting: "You lads can bat.''
Just as quick, Ponting replied: "No, we can't. We really can't."

Q. What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A. A waiter.

Q. Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
A.The woman who irons their cricket whites.

Q. What's the height of optimism?
A. An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What is the main function of the Australia coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

Q. What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because he can get out without even trying.

Q. What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A. A vacant lot.

Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
A. At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

Q. What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?
A. A fisherman

Q. Why can no one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
A. They don't have any openers

Q. What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball

Q. What do you call a world class Australian cricketer?........
A. Retired

 

[straitman]

Re: A Poms attempt at humour!

Cricket Australia have announced a new sponsorship deal with Oxo . In future the cubes will be wrapped in green and gold foil and will be re-named ' Laughing Stock

The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to RickyPonting: "You lads can bat.''
Just as quick, Ponting replied: "No, we can't. We really can't."

Q. What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A. A waiter.

Q. Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
A.The woman who irons their cricket whites.

Q. What's the height of optimism?
A. An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What is the main function of the Australia coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

Q. What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because he can get out without even trying.

Q. What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A. A vacant lot.

Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
A. At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

Q. What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?
A. A fisherman

Q. Why can no one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
A. They don't have any openers

Q. What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball

Q. What do you call a world class Australian cricketer?........
A. Retired

codash1099,

Hey that's the second part of my set of jokes that I was going to post later!!!

 

[JohnK]

The last couple of pages of jokes are excellent.

Love the one about the bloke looking for golf ball in cow pasture....

 

[drron]

Year-to-date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security:

Terrorist Plots Discovered-0
transvestites-133
hernias-14850
Hemorrhoids3,172
Enlarged Prostates8,249
Breast Implants59,350
Natural Blonds3

 

[codash1099]

WARNING: RISQUE!

"NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER"


Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.

First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last!
My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.

Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way;
He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day!

And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap.
If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!

Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength;
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.

So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.

The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes..

And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;
When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.

Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about;
And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out!

We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.

So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash;
And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash.

If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score;
Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before!

The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.

Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup;
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!

So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:
!!!!NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE

 

[sheikeee]

All LOL less the cricket one just above.