codash1099
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A bit of humour
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If you are easily offended in any way, I recommend that you do not read these jokes from stand up comics.
Could I be any clearer?
Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistani blood.It's not as bad as it sounds, I now have a 12 inch **** and I am top of the housing list. [Yes, I inserted the *'s]
Blonde walks into a dry cleaners with a pair of stained white trousers,and hands them over to the assistant. As she is heading for the door the assistant says "Thank You, Come Again".
Blonde replies "No, toothpaste this time".
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
Last week me and this Pakistani from work decided to have a moustacheand beard growing competition.I still can't believe she won.
Couple driving home and run over a wombat, they get out to find it was still breathing but very cold. Husband says "put it between your legs to warm it up" Wife replies "but it`s all wet and it stinks". Husband replies." well hold the wombat's nose then!
Just bought a racehorse called "My Face".It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in crowd screaming 'come on my face'.
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
Could I be any clearer?
Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistani blood.It's not as bad as it sounds, I now have a 12 inch **** and I am top of the housing list. [Yes, I inserted the *'s]
Blonde walks into a dry cleaners with a pair of stained white trousers,and hands them over to the assistant. As she is heading for the door the assistant says "Thank You, Come Again".
Blonde replies "No, toothpaste this time".
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
Last week me and this Pakistani from work decided to have a moustacheand beard growing competition.I still can't believe she won.
Couple driving home and run over a wombat, they get out to find it was still breathing but very cold. Husband says "put it between your legs to warm it up" Wife replies "but it`s all wet and it stinks". Husband replies." well hold the wombat's nose then!
Just bought a racehorse called "My Face".It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in crowd screaming 'come on my face'.
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
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You’ve got some good jokes there Lindsay 
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I have a lot of contributors samh004, so get to pick the good ones...
Joke for Today
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your cough was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new cough. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite bench tops."
Joke for Today
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your cough was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new cough. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite bench tops."
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AAAaggghhh, IT drives me batty 
:shock::evil:
:shock::evil:
anat0l
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AAAaggghhh, IT drives me batty
Now that is humorous :mrgreen:
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On behalf of Lindsay…
Why God Sends Rain To Mexico But Not The Middle East...
[video=youtube;bZxiYV2Qi_o]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZxiYV2Qi_o[/video]
Why God Sends Rain To Mexico But Not The Middle East...
[video=youtube;bZxiYV2Qi_o]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZxiYV2Qi_o[/video]
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THE AUSSIE DUNNY
They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life,
If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.
They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,
There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town.
They were given many names, some were even funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny.
I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all,
But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.
Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound,
That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.
They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"
You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.
That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,
We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps.
Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks,
He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox
And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night,
You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.
And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,
But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.
There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,
Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall.
If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,
You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar.
When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled,
Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head.
Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped,
If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.
The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back,
And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.
For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.
(A zac was a sixpence coin before decimal currency came into australia in 1966)
They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life,
If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.
They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,
There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town.
They were given many names, some were even funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny.
I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all,
But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.
Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound,
That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.
They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"
You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.
That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,
We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps.
Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks,
He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox
And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night,
You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.
And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,
But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.
There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,
Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall.
If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,
You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar.
When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled,
Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head.
Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped,
If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.
The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back,
And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.
For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.
(A zac was a sixpence coin before decimal currency came into australia in 1966)
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Many thanks samh004, one peson who I knew would be able to solve my issue. Did you put the photo's into a video then post on YouTube; or did you find it on YouTube?
I'm down your way on Wednesday next week (Benowa, so not quite where you are), alas I have a pressing engagement there at 2pm and a deadline to return to BNE; otherwise I'd have tried to see if you were available for a catch-up
I'm down your way on Wednesday next week (Benowa, so not quite where you are), alas I have a pressing engagement there at 2pm and a deadline to return to BNE; otherwise I'd have tried to see if you were available for a catch-up
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started......
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
______________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and comeback later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started......
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
______________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and comeback later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
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Found it on youtube
Benowa is the suburb next door to Royal Pines, so had you had time I’d have invited you over for a drink, but no worries, I’m sure there’ll be other times!
codash1099
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Top 10 Low Pass Flyby's Of All Time
(Pardon the stray apostrophe - not my work!)
Biertijd.com // Media » Top 10 Low Pass Flyby's Of All Time
(Pardon the stray apostrophe - not my work!)
Biertijd.com // Media » Top 10 Low Pass Flyby's Of All Time
EXCLUSIVE OFFER - Offer expires: 20 Jan 2025
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- Earn up to 200,000 bonus Velocity Points*
- Enjoy unlimited complimentary access to Priority Pass lounges worldwide
- Earn up to 3 Citi reward Points per dollar uncapped
*Terms And Conditions Apply
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RB
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This brings memories of the best motivational speech I have heard- was by John Peters (desert storm fame)- no humour in his experiences though.
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I actually think 3 was better than 2 or 1. Guts for the pilot doing it upside down and balls for the airman remaining standing when the plane passed VERY bloody close to his head.
In fact, even 4 was better, so I'd have put it 2nd.
John Peters - I've read his joint book with his co-pilot. Brilliant.
In fact, even 4 was better, so I'd have put it 2nd.
John Peters - I've read his joint book with his co-pilot. Brilliant.
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Woman says to her husband, "You only ever want sex when you're drunk".
Husband replies, "That's not true. Sometimes I want a kebab".
Husband replies, "That's not true. Sometimes I want a kebab".
anat0l
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A couple of Russian jokes:
In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard: "Children, could someone tell me what is this?" Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a d*ck, Marivanna!" Maria Ivanovna bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the principal bursts in: "All right, what did you do now? It's something new every day! Yesterday you broke a window, and today...," he looks around, "...and today you draw a d*ck on the blackboard?"
An American, a Hindu and a Russian land in Purgatory. A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?" The American steps forward. "Alright, you've got three hours to prepare yourself."
The American puts on a full-body Kevlar outfit, gets into a tank, drives it into a concrete bunker, the bunker is covered with 15 feet of dirt and inch-thick titanium sheets. The angel unravels his whip.
SNAP! The titanium and the dirt are gone.
SNAP! The bunker and tank are gone.
SNAP! The American howls in pain, the ground opens up under his feet and he drops straight to Hell.
"Next", says the angel. The Hindu steps forward. "You've got three hours to prepare yourself." The Hindu replies, "I need only five minutes. I have studied Yoga all my life and can make myself immune to all pain." The Hindu gets into a lotus position, hums mantras for a few minutes and rises a couple of inches off the ground.
The angel unravels his whip.
SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! The Hindu is completely unfazed.
"Hmm, impressive. Alright, you're free to go." says the angel.
"Thank you, but only after I see how this one makes it out of this.", says the Hindu, looking at the Russian.
"Your call," the angel says as he turns to the Russian: "What are you going to shield yourself with?"
"With the Hindu, of course."
In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard: "Children, could someone tell me what is this?" Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a d*ck, Marivanna!" Maria Ivanovna bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the principal bursts in: "All right, what did you do now? It's something new every day! Yesterday you broke a window, and today...," he looks around, "...and today you draw a d*ck on the blackboard?"
An American, a Hindu and a Russian land in Purgatory. A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?" The American steps forward. "Alright, you've got three hours to prepare yourself."
The American puts on a full-body Kevlar outfit, gets into a tank, drives it into a concrete bunker, the bunker is covered with 15 feet of dirt and inch-thick titanium sheets. The angel unravels his whip.
SNAP! The titanium and the dirt are gone.
SNAP! The bunker and tank are gone.
SNAP! The American howls in pain, the ground opens up under his feet and he drops straight to Hell.
"Next", says the angel. The Hindu steps forward. "You've got three hours to prepare yourself." The Hindu replies, "I need only five minutes. I have studied Yoga all my life and can make myself immune to all pain." The Hindu gets into a lotus position, hums mantras for a few minutes and rises a couple of inches off the ground.
The angel unravels his whip.
SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! The Hindu is completely unfazed.
"Hmm, impressive. Alright, you're free to go." says the angel.
"Thank you, but only after I see how this one makes it out of this.", says the Hindu, looking at the Russian.
"Your call," the angel says as he turns to the Russian: "What are you going to shield yourself with?"
"With the Hindu, of course."
JohnK
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Brilliant....
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