A bit of humour

Air Hostess

A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous - she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for. "
"I still call Australia home," he says to her.She pulled away from him and gave an ice-cold glare.
"Obviously not with QANTAS, " he thought.
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows.."
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said, "Something special in the air."
She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.
He thought, "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways..." and said, "Smooth as silk."
This time, the woman turned on him and said, "What the f*ck do you want ?
"The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Jetstar !!"
 
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.


There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets


You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools


Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the cough channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular cough, you sick b*st*rd.”
 
A biker is visiting the zoo in Brisbane when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A Courier Mail reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...

So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Australian Army and a Liberal.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

"AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days, or nonews.
 
Exclusive offer: Citi Prestige Credit Card
EXCLUSIVE OFFER - Offer expires: 20 Jan 2025

- Earn up to 200,000 bonus Velocity Points*
- Enjoy unlimited complimentary access to Priority Pass lounges worldwide
- Earn up to 3 Citi reward Points per dollar uncapped

*Terms And Conditions Apply

AFF Supporters can remove this and all advertisements

Yes I know it is sick but I still think it is funny! I saw it on a pole in Ann St (or was that Adelaide St) on Sunday.

'Bill Posters will be prosecuted'.

Poor Bill.... :oops:
 
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people,no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. "

"You know..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
 
codash1099 said:
A hurricane came unexpectedly.

...

"You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
Click to expand...

This one's been told many, many times, although your version is rather more elaborate than others I've seen.

Also, yours is one of the few that does not directly imply that the dumba** in the story is an engineer. :)
 
anat0l said:
This one's been told many, many times, although your version is rather more elaborate than others I've seen.

Also, yours is one of the few that does not directly imply that the dumba** in the story is an engineer. :)
Click to expand...

However it did come from a engineers humour site.
 
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.

"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
 
Some of us may not like kids in J or F, but don't write them off...

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”



A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is.

"I promised not to tell!" he says.

"Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell."

"Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!"

"Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy.

"Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months."

Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
 
Warning! Not for the feint of heart or for self-proclaimed prudes

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish.

So the man says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?"

The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish."

The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"

---


A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks."

The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.

Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

---


A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

---


Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

---


A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
 
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "that is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

Johnny quips "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
 
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies... "My wife."
 
Some egghead apparently completed some research in 2002 and concluded that these were voted amongst the funniest jokes in the world (now I've ruined it for you, right? ;))

Here's the "winner":

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"​



Now here's the "second place", apparently was a strong starter for the winner in the early stages of voting:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"​



And finally, this was apparently the funniest joke in the UK:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."​
 
Woman walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


A story about mateship. Sheila didn't come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been fooling around so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.

Next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila asks him where the hell he'd been. Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate's place and thought it was safer not to drive and crash out there. Sheila thinks he's been fooling around so rings his ten best mates. Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he's still there.

Yours truly doesn't understand this joke.



What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A man will actually search for a golf ball.



A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
 
anat0l said:
A story about mateship. Sheila didn't come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been fooling around so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.

Next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila asks him where the hell he'd been. Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate's place and thought it was safer not to drive and crash out there. Sheila thinks he's been fooling around so rings his ten best mates. Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he's still there.

Yours truly doesn't understand this joke.
Click to expand...

It means that with blokes, mates are such good mates .. that they'd pickup when someone was trying to find something out and try to lie for you to make you look like you haven't done anything wrong :mrgreen:
 

Become an AFF member!

Join Australian Frequent Flyer (AFF) for free and unlock insider tips, exclusive deals, and global meetups with 65,000+ frequent flyers.

AFF members can also access our Frequent Flyer Training courses, and upgrade to Fast-track your way to expert traveller status and unlock even more exclusive discounts!

AFF forum abbreviations

Wondering about Y, J or any of the other abbreviations used on our forum?

Check out our guide to common AFF acronyms & abbreviations.

Recent Posts

Currently Active Users

Total: 291 (members: 39, guests: 252)
Back
Top