A bit of humour

[straitman]

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the s**t out of me.
So that'sit!
After today, no more reading.

 

[QF WP]

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

[Flashback]

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Thanks ! That just reminded me to post my GCC steps

 

[Ikara]

I was digging through some old paperwork from my work days and came across these.........

WITZENBURG’S LAW OF AIRPLANE TRAVEL
The distance between the ticket counter and your plane is directly proportional to the weight of luggage you are carrying and inversely proportional to the time before take-off.

FIRST LAW OF AIR TRAVEL
Serving coffee in aircraft causes air turbulence

JB

 

[straitman]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
(written by kids)


-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8(isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is.......

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10 ​

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[Princess Fiona]

Found this gem from the NY Times via my twitter feed. Enjoy
Red Eye - Abstract City Blog - NYTimes.com

 

[codash1099]

Found this gem from the NY Times via my twitter feed. Enjoy
Red Eye - Abstract City Blog - NYTimes.com

That is just so accurate that it can't be classed as humour, but nevertheless ROFLMAO.

 

[samh004]

Found this gem from the NY Times via my twitter feed. Enjoy
Red Eye - Abstract City Blog - NYTimes.com

That was wonderful. I wish I could draw!

 

[Hvr]

my wife came up to me last night and said
''it looks like you'd better get used to changing nappies fairly soon''

a wave of joy surged through my body as i looked into her eyes, ''you..., you mean.....?''

''that's right'' she interrupted, ''I'm leaving you for another man, and i hardly think you'll be able to pay your dad's nursing home fees on your sh*tty salary''

 

[Hvr]

''which of your encyclopaedias covers Pakistan''

librarian- ''H to O''

 

[Hvr]

I found a site with some jokes:

When Insults Had Class


These glorious insults are from an era before the English language

got boiled down to four letter words.


You are drunk Sir Winston, you are disgustingly drunk.
Yes, Mrs. Braddock, I am drunk. But you, Mrs. Braddock are ugly, and disgustingly fat. But, tomorrow morning, I, Winston Churchill will be sober.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."




A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."


"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop


"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb


"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson


"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating


"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker


"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde


"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

 

[Ikara]

This may help those of you who are still working with your next budget process.......

The Plan
In the beginning was the Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And there was darkness on the face of the workers
And they spoke among themselves, saying
“It’s a crock of cough and it stinketh”
And the workers went to their Supervisors and sayeth
“It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour thereof”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them
“It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide it”
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth
“It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide it’s strength”
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another
“It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong”
And the Directors went unto the Vice-Presidents and sayeth unto them
“It promotes growth and is very powerful”
And the Vice-Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him
“This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this company, and in these areas in particular”
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good, and the Plan became policy.

JB

 

[Flashback]

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten
your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for
her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich, I want to marry you."

That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,"I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback.

 

[lilypage]

gave me a good laugh

 

[codash1099]

A woman had a magic well.

She would put her pail on the edge of the well and clap her hands and the well would dispense a measured amount of water into the pail. The only problem was that the well would never give out the same amount of water.

This distressed the woman and she decided that she would consult the neighbourhood priest.

She showed the priest the problem and the priest decided the well was infected with some sort of malicious spirit. The priest then proceeded to pray and bless the well with holy water.

He then instructed the woman to place the pail on the edge of the well and to clap her hands.

This time the well filled the pail 1/4 full.

The priest then instructed the woman to place the pail a little to the left of the previous spot and to clap her hands.

This time the pail was filled 1/2 full.

The priest then told the woman to move the pail just a bit further to the left and to clap her hands.

This time the pail was filled to the brim and made the woman very happy.

Each day the woman enjoyed the pleasure of getting a full pail of water, as long as she placed the pail in the same exact spot.

She thanked the priest every time she saw him.

One day the priest decided to take the bishop to the woman's home to demonstrate the procedure.

After seeing the woman go through the steps and the subsequent filling of the pail, the bishop remarked, "I see you have trained her well."

 

[codash1099]

It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students.

"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.

"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.

"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?"

"Me and my family rode our bikes together."

"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to shy Mikey in the corner of the room.

"What did you do this summer, Mikey?"

"Nothing," the boy responded timidly.

"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, trying to draw Mikey out.

"Yes."

"Did you go to the beach?"

"No."

"Did you ride bikes?"

"No, never!" the boy burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"

"Why not?" said the shocked teacher.

"I don't know," explained Mikey, "but dad always said, when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."

 

[bossreggie]

So this lady goes to see the Dr.

Doc...It's terrible she said...My husband has absolutely NO interest in me sexually. It doesn't matter what I wear or what I do... He just has no interest at all.

mmmm said the Dr. Try getting him to take couple of these tablets. Come back see me next week and let me know how you go.

A week later the woman goes back to see the Dr. He notices she is walking funny and has hickies all over her neck.

Well he said... How did it go?

Oh my....she replied it was terrible.... Why he said didn't the pills work. They were great she said... I slipped him a couple in his drink when we were having breakfast. 5 minutes later he his ripping all my clothes off and throwing me on the table. He just went for it for 3 and a half hours.

Well the Dr said, that seems to be what you were after...So whats wrong.

Don't get me wrong Doc.... The sex was fantastic.... I just don't think the kids and I can show our faces at McDonalds EVER again!!

 

[drron]

For the older reader-
Julie Andrews Turns 69, this is hysterical

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:



(Sing It! - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!)

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> >
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
That lasted over four minutes and repeated encores

 

[anat0l]

For the older reader-

Must be. I read through it - witty, but not hysterical. Probably works better with appropriate tone.

Of course, if you're laughing like a maniac at this, you're probably showing your age.

 

[drron]

Must be. I read through it - witty, but not hysterical. Probably works better with appropriate tone.

Of course, if you're laughing like a maniac at this, you're probably showing your age.

Just wait-it will seem funnier in 50 years.