A bit of humour

[drron]

 

[Hvr]

I once swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had...

 

[JohnK]

Mark of respect

Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.

"That was a really nice thing to do," the second golfer says. "It's good to see there is still some respect in the world."

"Well, it's only right," the first golfer replies. "I was married to her for 35 years."

 

[Hvr]

It was either here or the grammar thread.

Wife. "We'd have less arguments if you weren't so pedantic".
Husband. "I think you mean fewer"

 

[Hvr]

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

8. See. You’re smiling already.

 

[Hvr]

How to impress a woman............
Take her only to Michelin starred restaurants.
Buy her fine wines.
Bring her fresh flowers daily.
Remember all birthdays and anniversaries.
Take her on exotic holidays.
Always open doors for her.
Demonstrate your own culinary skills.
Buy her fine lingerie displaying your impeccable taste.
Always make her feel that she is the most important thing in your life.
Buy her the finest chocolates.
Never, ever mention that she is putting on a few ounces here and there.


How to impress a man...................
<
>
<
>
<
>
<
Turn up naked and bring some beer.

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”. Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: "You're next, Chubby."

I trust this clears up any confusion........

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal...

 

[Major]

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.

 

[get me outta here]

In China, on a glass bridge, they have installed a digital screen in the middle .....

 

[coriander]

In China, on a glass bridge, they have installed a digital screen in the middle .....

I can't see the defribrillator - must be beside the photographer.

 

[alieninperth]

https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/iata_airport_abbreviations.png

Just in case you ever forget the airport codes

 

[drron]

Thai version of CPR poster.

 

[JohnK]

Q: What has 4 legs and flies?

A: A garbage truck.

 

[Flashback]

Q: What's red and looks like a bucket?
A: A red bucket.

Q: What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A: A red bucket in disguise.

 

[drron]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1902864853080063

 

[straitman]

At Heathrow airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode towards Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a most ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control.”

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, “Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn’t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.”

 

[drron]

The Donald Trump Hair Farm

 

[drron]

Tamworth Red Rooster Removes The 'S' From Their Sign In Solidarity With Barnaby Joyce

 

[Bundy Bear]

Might have been on before but still worth a repeat.

 

[Major]

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane,
So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"