A bit of humour

[oz_mark]

What do you call a retired pope?


Ex-benedict

 

[QF WP]

From Major, who had trouble posting it so asked me to on his behalf:

Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.


I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...



Should also work on grandkids

 

[markis10]

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years

Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4.. The Pope died.


Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

Is Charles getting married, at the moment a bet against the aussies looks good re the Ashes!

 

[markh]

Went to Maccas & the girl serving was wearing a burqa. I noticed it was quite dirty and tattered and a bit smelly. It actually put me off so we walked out and went across the road to Hungry Jacks. Here was another girl wearing a burqa. I was happy to see that it was clean and it actually was nicely decorated with beads and sequins. That's when I realised - the Burqas are Better at Hungry Jacks....

 

[markis10]

Love the comment on Facebook over at the CSIROs page re the missing submarine "Was it using Apple maps"?

https://www.facebook.com/pages/CSIRO/142468583842?group_id=0

 

[Major]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really
doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'

 

[Major]

. Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived,
and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little
concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby
is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma!'

 

[Foreigner]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

 

[Foreigner]

A union leader was addressing the workers at a union meeting.
"I am pleased to announce that we have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work four days a week."
"Hooray!" the crowd yelled.
"We will finish work at 4 PM, not 5 PM."
"Hooray!" the crowd yelled again.
We will start work at 10 AM, not 9 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 110% pay increase."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Tuesdays."
Suddenly, the crowd fell silent, until a voice from the back asked, "Every Tuesday?"

 

[Foreigner]

A couple trying to break into society, hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid- section.
The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."
The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped. Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat.
"It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."

 

[Foreigner]

A patient complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night.
"Before it happens, do you see any dreams?" the doctor said.
"Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, 'Let's pee."
"OK," the doctor said. "Next time you see the demon, say, "No, we've already peed."
Next time the patient came to the doctor, the latter asked, "So? Did you do as I said?
"Yes, I did."
"Did it help?"
"Yes, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse."
"How?"
"As I said 'I've already peed,' the demon nodded and said, 'Then, let's cough a little."

 

[Major]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

 

[Major]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he
ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[Hvr]

New class on
The Man Rules No time has been set for this as we do not think anyone will pass


We always hear "the rules"
From the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side. More can be added if any important ones have been missed

These are our rules!
Please note. These are all numbered "1”
ON PURPOSE! (we have been told only women multi task)
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sports on TV, it’s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your mother, sister or girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us. (we will tell the truth)

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. (we are not lost)

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Orange is a fruit and an exception. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football, motor sports
or Rugby.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping, and we do not have to listen to you snoring (yes you do)

 

[Maca44]

John Clarke & BryanDawes.
[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing thestock. He is approached by JOHN]

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.

John: You're the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: You know...... nothing fancy, reliable, economical familymodel. Something to get the country from A to B.

John: You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: Yeah...a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Lowmaintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: So.... you used to have one?

Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model - don't know whyI got rid of him -- biggest mistake I've ever made.

John: What happened?

Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.

John: Big mistake.

Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate - that was good.

John: Anything else?

Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. Itwas a lemon.

John: Didn't stick around for long did it?

Bryan: Nah - had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was neverseen again.

John: What was the problem?

Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plugit in and it automatically loses its own way.

John: Whatcha got now?

Bryan: It's a Gillard-Brown.

John: The hybrid?

Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system - not a good idea. An enginethat can't deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse.

John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering thatalways lurches to the left for no apparent reason - that's the one?

Bryan: The Fustercluck model.

John: The only one they made, Bryan . Not the vehicle of choicefor the road to recovery - but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: Made it worse Turn it on and it does a press release,heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.

John: So that's why you're here?

Bryan: That's right. I'm stuck with a car that's wasteful,expensive, ineffective and past its use by date I don't suppose you've heard ofthe "Cash for Clunkers" scheme?

John: Join the queue brother.

 

[Hvr]

Young people have theirs,
now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Citizens

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* * TOT- Texting on Toilet

*


Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)​

 

[Foreigner]

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.
The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer."
The bartender got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."

 

[anat0l]

Two kids are in the bathroom. One of them is standing on top of the scales.

Says the one to the other, "Every time Mummy stands on this, she always cries. But I'm standing on it and it doesn't hurt one bit."

 

[NM]

A man was talking to his workmate. "I'm sick of my wife and I wish I could get rid of her. She wont let me drink or go out or anything." "Have you rung big Arti?" his mate asked. "He will get rid of people for $1". The man rings Big Arti and he agrees to do it for $1. "She will be at Woollies on Thursday morning and always wears a Red polka-dot dress and carries a black handbag" the man said. So Big Arti waits in the freezer dept at Woollies on Thursday and sees a lady matching that description. No-one is watching so he grabs her in a strangle hold and sticks her body in the freezer. As he is coming out he sees another lady dressed the same. Not sure if he has the right person or not Big Arti strangles this one as well and disposes of her. This time he is caught disposing of the body. Next day there is a sign in Woollies saying:

BIG ARTI CHOKES 2 for $1

 

[Foreigner]

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.
The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Julie, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a cough in the family than a lawyer."